It's a Trilogy not a chapter.

    Driving home from work yesterday, I felt sad about moving for the first time since this whirlwind began. I'm generally pretty emotional and can get very nostalgic. I haven't felt any of that yet. I'm not naive enough to think that it wasn't going to happen. I know me. There will be enough tears to fill a lake. Not just before I leave. It will be before, during AND after. Where people often misunderstand is that you can be sad about a chapter ending, and happy about the new one beginning. Even if I feel more like this is a book coming to an end. Oooooh, maybe my life is more like a Trilogy series. I love those. This book is over, and now it's time for the second. Yes! I like that analogy better. Same protagonists but new antagonists. A whole BUNCH of new chapters. 

    Ugh, what is with me and getting carried away with analogies lately? 

    So, yes... That was all I really wanted to say. I was sad for the first time about moving. It made me think about what's to come and how I'm going to be sad a lot more in the future. It doesn't mean it should stay. It just means that a lot of memories have been made here, I have connections here and I think Arizona will always be "home". 

Your Crazy is Worth It

You hope that by the time you are 30 you would have your life together. Most, like myself, are responsible for the well being of another human life. You don’t want to mess them up. You want to give them a better life than you had. So, you try and try and try to do things “right”. Who can truly say what “right” is? Taking them on family vacations, and spending more time with them than your parents did - is that right? Obviously, in some ways it is. But, is that keeping them from still getting the same emotional issues that you have? The abandonment issues, the communication problems, the lack of showing emotions, keeping people out so they don’t realize what a mess you really are. Is that something that you can prevent your kids from getting… just by taking them on vacations? I don’t know… I don’t have it figured out. Does any one?     

            I know my monster has abandonment issues – like I do. I’ve been told it’s a subconscious thing. It stems from the lack of a biological parents presence. The feeling of not being wanted – even before you are able to realize that wasn’t exactly how it went down. It still gets to you, no matter how you fight it. I didn’t want him to be affected by my bad choices as a young 20 something, rebellious girl. Inevitably, he was – even with a good man raising him that he loves more than me on some days. 

            So, what is the reason for this long-winded cluster fuck of words? So much. So, so much.  My issues came to surface over this last week. Not intentionally. Not by any means on purpose. I got to thinking about my biological father, which resulted in some Facebook stalking. Oh how we all love to Facebook stalk. Watch out, it can lead to some unresolved issues. I then proceeded to get  in touch with these family members – which leads to  more emotional issues… and here I am. After, a week of fighting it and trying to not be affected by it, to not be cranky, to not let it show. Today, the damns broke, today I let myself feel.
            I met him a couple times, about 11-12 years ago. I was in my “Mike Phase” as I like to call it. The time when I was “hard”. I was not me. My mom has even told me that I have never been the same person I was before him. I don’t think I could be. I was so young before him. I experienced a lot of stuff during that time. Things  I never thought I would do, or say, or… there are too  many or’s for this. That phase of my life is a whole different set of emotional trauma and I like to keep those locked in a different vault. I forgot the combination as well. I don’t want to rehash that. Back to my “daddy issues”. I don’t think I gave myself the appropriate amount of time to process what a BIG ordeal it really was meeting my biological father. I had spent 10 year or so wondering about this man. Wondering about why he didn’t want to be a part of my life. If he thought about me. Why he didn’t look for me? As a parent now, I don’t know if it is really different for mom’s than it is dad’s, I would go to the ends of the earth and back if I knew I had a kid out there somewhere. Eminem’s song Headlight’s comes to mind, that song is really getting to me lately.

“But I'd have flipped every mattress, every rock and desert cactus
Own a collection of maps and followed my kids to the edge of the atlas
Someone ever moved them from me? That you coulda bet your asses
If I had to come down the chimney dressed as Santa, kidnap them.”

I don’t know what prevented me from asking those questions. The “I don’t give a shit” attitude I possessed at the time, fear of knowing the truth, or the awkward feeling of the whole situation. Maybe all three. Either way, I was left with a lot of unaddressed feelings.  I stopped talking to him, or he stopped talking to me – I don’t know which. We lost contact after a couple years. Fast forward to today. I had a two-hour conversation with this man earlier this week. I don’t think I have ever had a two-hour conversation with my dad. No, I take that back… I spent a whole day talking to my dad after my step mom died. We talked about a lot of stuff – that left me pretty fucked up and emotional then too. I just don’t deal with talking to my dad’s very well. I guess I wouldn’t. I have said multiple times, maybe because I think it will change the more I think about it, I don’t know how to have a normal “father figure” in my life. I see these girls that idolize their dad’s. These amazing relationships. I have always wanted that. My. Whole. Life. I always envisioned my dad walking me down the aisle (which he did), the father daughter dance (which I got). It was nothing like what I expected though. It was awkward. Maybe it was for other people too. I don’t know. To say the relationship I have with my dad is and has always been rocky is an understatement. Maybe even the understatement of the century. I don’t know what I want. From my dad or my biological father. I don’t know what I expect to get from either of them. I think at this point in my life there isn’t much I can. It was needed in those crucial developmental years. The years that teach a girl how a man should treat a woman. Maybe then it wouldn’t have taken me so long to learn what I was worth.  Maybe if they were both around more I wouldn’t push the people who love me the most away because I don’t feel like my crazy is something they should deal with.  I don’t know, and I never will. Either way, I need to figure out what I want from here on out.

Now that I am a little more stable, and I use that word loosely, I am forced to deal with these feelings. They are making me feel quite unstable.  It’s funny how things come back. Not even just those things, but they force you to evaluate life in more ways than you ever wanted. You have to deal with feelings you never wanted to deal with. Even make you forgive things you never thought you would or could. If I could just deal with the feelings that I want and push the others off for a later date maybe I wouldn’t feel quite as crazy.

            Then there are the questions that I don’t know how to answer, no matter how hard I try. What am I wanting from all of this and what did I expect? I don’t know.

The Spiraling Pool of Nonsense that is My Brain

There are so many things that go on in my head. I think constantly. Non Stop. It drives me insane at times. I have a problem with putting it verbally in words.. or sometimes in words at all.

So here I go.. it might not make a lot of sense. Or sense at all.

I guess somewhere along the lines of 16 and 27 I never realized I was growing up. In a lot of ways I don't feel any different. Is this a problem? I guess it could be depending on how you look at it. I always think, "I don't have to worry about that right now. I have so much time left." That's why when I sit and think about how old I am and that really I'm not much different than I was, career wise,  when I graduated high school ,that it freaks me out a bit. I feel like so many of my friends from high school have become real adults. And, here I am playing house. I remember when I was in elementary school playing "teenagers" with one of my friends. It reminds me a lot of my life right now, except I am in charge of raising a kid. But, then when I think about it more I'm like "Why am I freaking out? I'm only 27!" I don't know. There are so many things that stress me out, I wonder how relevant any of it is.

I never know what emotions I feel. I often wonder if I'm actually feeling anything at all, or if I think, "This is how I'm supposed to feel. So, maybe I should say that's what I am feeling." Am I the only person that is like this? Is this normal? What is normal? Here I am again. Not knowing how to translate what's in my head through my fingers. Or, to anything.

What's a real wife or woman supposed to be like? I see so many woman that I truly admire and wonder if I could ever be like them. They seem so put together and competent. And, I feel like I am a fish out of water just flopping around doing what I think I am supposed to do. Or, sometimes not even what I think I'm supposed to do, because I am sick of doing that. I am always wondering what other people are thinking about me.We had Kyle's brother and his wife over for dinner last night. And, honest to God, I stressed about making dinner just right. Doing dishes as soon as we were done eating, just so they thought I was a good wife to him. I really worry that much. That can't be normal. Why does it matter to me so much what other people think? Why does it bother me so much that it bothers me?

I have ran across some random blogs that I now read a lot. It really inspires me to go after my dream of writing. I love to write, I love to read, I love words. I don't know if I could ever do it. I get scared of failing and not being able to do something. Maybe that's another reason why I have never finished school for anything, and why I don't pursue anything more than the job I am in. But, I want to write. I feel like if I actually tried I could probably be good at it. What would I write? I have no freakin' clue. I don't have an interesting life or anything that would really draw much attention. But, I could find something I am sure.

I warned you that it probably wouldn't make sense. And, yet I still don't feel like I have said everything that is on my mind. But, I don't know how to say what's in there. I'm still thinking. Still feeling like something is bothering me, but I don't know what it is. I am restless lately. I have this nagging feeling that something is gonna happen, or should happen, or maybe has already happened? I don't know. Just something. Maybe I need a change? Something isn't right, somewhere.

I know one thing that is really bugging me lately. I know entirely too many people that should not procreate that are. I probably know 5 people that are pregnant right now. None of which should be allowed to raise children. I don't get it. How can it be possible that people who shouldn't be having babies, are the only ones that are? It is not looking good for future generations, at all.

I guess I could close this out now. Kyle will be home from work soon.