Your Crazy is Worth It

You hope that by the time you are 30 you would have your life together. Most, like myself, are responsible for the well being of another human life. You don’t want to mess them up. You want to give them a better life than you had. So, you try and try and try to do things “right”. Who can truly say what “right” is? Taking them on family vacations, and spending more time with them than your parents did - is that right? Obviously, in some ways it is. But, is that keeping them from still getting the same emotional issues that you have? The abandonment issues, the communication problems, the lack of showing emotions, keeping people out so they don’t realize what a mess you really are. Is that something that you can prevent your kids from getting… just by taking them on vacations? I don’t know… I don’t have it figured out. Does any one?     

            I know my monster has abandonment issues – like I do. I’ve been told it’s a subconscious thing. It stems from the lack of a biological parents presence. The feeling of not being wanted – even before you are able to realize that wasn’t exactly how it went down. It still gets to you, no matter how you fight it. I didn’t want him to be affected by my bad choices as a young 20 something, rebellious girl. Inevitably, he was – even with a good man raising him that he loves more than me on some days. 

            So, what is the reason for this long-winded cluster fuck of words? So much. So, so much.  My issues came to surface over this last week. Not intentionally. Not by any means on purpose. I got to thinking about my biological father, which resulted in some Facebook stalking. Oh how we all love to Facebook stalk. Watch out, it can lead to some unresolved issues. I then proceeded to get  in touch with these family members – which leads to  more emotional issues… and here I am. After, a week of fighting it and trying to not be affected by it, to not be cranky, to not let it show. Today, the damns broke, today I let myself feel.
            I met him a couple times, about 11-12 years ago. I was in my “Mike Phase” as I like to call it. The time when I was “hard”. I was not me. My mom has even told me that I have never been the same person I was before him. I don’t think I could be. I was so young before him. I experienced a lot of stuff during that time. Things  I never thought I would do, or say, or… there are too  many or’s for this. That phase of my life is a whole different set of emotional trauma and I like to keep those locked in a different vault. I forgot the combination as well. I don’t want to rehash that. Back to my “daddy issues”. I don’t think I gave myself the appropriate amount of time to process what a BIG ordeal it really was meeting my biological father. I had spent 10 year or so wondering about this man. Wondering about why he didn’t want to be a part of my life. If he thought about me. Why he didn’t look for me? As a parent now, I don’t know if it is really different for mom’s than it is dad’s, I would go to the ends of the earth and back if I knew I had a kid out there somewhere. Eminem’s song Headlight’s comes to mind, that song is really getting to me lately.

“But I'd have flipped every mattress, every rock and desert cactus
Own a collection of maps and followed my kids to the edge of the atlas
Someone ever moved them from me? That you coulda bet your asses
If I had to come down the chimney dressed as Santa, kidnap them.”

I don’t know what prevented me from asking those questions. The “I don’t give a shit” attitude I possessed at the time, fear of knowing the truth, or the awkward feeling of the whole situation. Maybe all three. Either way, I was left with a lot of unaddressed feelings.  I stopped talking to him, or he stopped talking to me – I don’t know which. We lost contact after a couple years. Fast forward to today. I had a two-hour conversation with this man earlier this week. I don’t think I have ever had a two-hour conversation with my dad. No, I take that back… I spent a whole day talking to my dad after my step mom died. We talked about a lot of stuff – that left me pretty fucked up and emotional then too. I just don’t deal with talking to my dad’s very well. I guess I wouldn’t. I have said multiple times, maybe because I think it will change the more I think about it, I don’t know how to have a normal “father figure” in my life. I see these girls that idolize their dad’s. These amazing relationships. I have always wanted that. My. Whole. Life. I always envisioned my dad walking me down the aisle (which he did), the father daughter dance (which I got). It was nothing like what I expected though. It was awkward. Maybe it was for other people too. I don’t know. To say the relationship I have with my dad is and has always been rocky is an understatement. Maybe even the understatement of the century. I don’t know what I want. From my dad or my biological father. I don’t know what I expect to get from either of them. I think at this point in my life there isn’t much I can. It was needed in those crucial developmental years. The years that teach a girl how a man should treat a woman. Maybe then it wouldn’t have taken me so long to learn what I was worth.  Maybe if they were both around more I wouldn’t push the people who love me the most away because I don’t feel like my crazy is something they should deal with.  I don’t know, and I never will. Either way, I need to figure out what I want from here on out.

Now that I am a little more stable, and I use that word loosely, I am forced to deal with these feelings. They are making me feel quite unstable.  It’s funny how things come back. Not even just those things, but they force you to evaluate life in more ways than you ever wanted. You have to deal with feelings you never wanted to deal with. Even make you forgive things you never thought you would or could. If I could just deal with the feelings that I want and push the others off for a later date maybe I wouldn’t feel quite as crazy.

            Then there are the questions that I don’t know how to answer, no matter how hard I try. What am I wanting from all of this and what did I expect? I don’t know.

Writing used to be my thing...

It feels like the more I try to do something the busier I am. Also, laziness is the devil.

Lots to post about... more than likely won't get to it all. I wish I had more time and patience to do it all. Sitting and writing can be so incredibly therapeutic.

Classes started this week. I am 10 credits (after this semester) away from my associates. It feels like I have been in school for an eternity. What am I going to do with this degree? Hell if I know! Celebrate that I actually got somewhere finally! I have considered getting my bachelor's in accounting or business management or some BS, do I want to do that forever... absolutely not. It would be good though, I could stay at WM and actually have some sort of career. It sounds completely bland an boring.

My classes this semester are pretty cool though. I'm taking introduction to religion. I think I might actually like this class. It's something I know nothing about, which is always awesome. I'm being serious, in case you are wondering. I really like learning about religion, who would have thought?

Ah yes, on to th important stuff. We got a GREAT DANE.. almost a year ago.. but it has been over a year since I posted. He's amazing... and beautiful... and smart... and giant.

People that have Danes are like this weird community. Also, people who have never seen a Dane treat you like a freak and insist on asking where his saddle is. I would like to have another one. Kyle said not right  now. Ha ha I love him to death though. Great Danes are by far the best dogs ever. I used to think I wanted a pack of English Bulldogs.. now I think I want a pack of English Bulldogs and Danes! Ha ha

We also went to Disneyland last summer for a vacation. No vacation this summer though. It has been a really, really lazy summer in our house. We went to a lot of baseball games and movies. It is nice sometimes to take a break from all of the chaos, but when I think back or look at pictures from our past vacations I feel like we really missed out this year.

My favorite time of year is coming! FALL!!! Salted caramel fraps/lattes at Starbucks, cooler weather (eventually), football, Halloween and sibling Thanksgiving. We missed out last year.. everyone was kind of off doing their own things... but not this year. It's at our house! I love it. I love having people over. I love planning things. I'm already thinking about different breakfasts I can make, since Aidan and I will be off the whole week of Thanksgiving and hopefully Kyle will too! I want to just enjoy that week. 9 days of no work. How amazing will that be. Less than 90 days!

Along with sucking at writing I have sucked at going to the gym. Seriously, it has been probably 2  months since I have been to the gym. I got my new job about 3 months ago and have gone maybe 3x. I have gained almost all of the weight I lost back and am seriously depressed by this. I know I need to get my ass back in gear and get in the gym again. We shall see how that goes. It's a struggle.. and a battle.. and it's all on me. This isn't one of those things that I can blame on other people. Unfortunately.

I wish I had something really profound to end this with other than this was possibly the lamest update in blog history. I hope maybe my next post won't be in over a year and will have more substance. I think it might. The weather is cooling down and I will get to be outside more. It's awesome to sit on my patio and write; like I am right now. It makes me feel like I migt be doing something worthwhile. Not sitting on the couch staring at the TV. Even if Dexter is amazing this season, and The Newsroom is equally amazing. I like using my brain.. and being outdoors.

Until next time..

Long time no see!

It has been awhile. Entirely too long. I tried using tumblr and livejournal, word to the wise... don't. This is the best free blogging site that I have found.

Aidan's 7th birthday was Saturday. He is so big! I love that little boy. :-) How can anyone not?

So, since the last time I was here a lot has happened. I have acquired a fantastic macbook and completed 2 more classes. Next semester I am going to take French and Astronomy. I'm SO incredibly excited!! I will definitely keep you all posted about how that goes! :-)

I read my last post.. and I'm disappointed with myself. I had so much that I wanted to accomplish in 2011. We are 6 months into it, and I have failed at pretty much everything that I wanted to do. I gave up my 365 project before January was even over. I have not hit my diet as hard as I wanted. I'm super bummed. I didn't realize how optimistic I was until reading that now. I think I am going to really try and do it all again.

AAAAAAnddd it's been about a month since I posted

• Well, I suck.. things have been busy. The End.
• We had a fabulous holiday weekend, and I will greatly miss the time off of work.
• I think I am mentally prepared for Christmas.
• I am almost done with my psychology class, my final is on December 4th. I'm excited!
• 2010 was a pretty amazing year.
• We had house guests for the first time this weekend. I love hosting things, even if it's just for a night.
• I hate Sundays, I spend the whole day dreading Monday. What a waste of a day.
• I am down to a size 16, for the first time in like 3 years, or possibly longer!
• I seriously love our new dining room table, I refuse to eat in the living room ever again.
• We had our first dinner party on Wednesday, I would say it was a success!

Here are some pictures to leave you with. I know I think you guys got ripped off on the post, but I have 2 creative writing assignments to turn in and I have got to get my but in gear.

Love you all, sorry I forgot about you  have been so busy!

He was super proud that he climbed his first tree

My awesome Thanksgiving day decorated table

Pretty amazing Garland that my cousin made

My 2 best friends and myself

So adorable

Making smores with the cousins

I'm going to try to update more, I promise!

well.. I figured out how to change my background. I like it! :-)

Things have been a bit hectic the last week or so... with work and school... and Monster's last week of school. Please excuse me while I go cry because my baby is now a 1st grader. I know... he is getting so big. I can still remember holding him and loving on him when he was a itty bitty baby. :-(

And now... he looks like this....

It's just not fair... I want him to stay a little itty bitty baby forever.

I absolutely adore the new computer. I feel like we are apart of the real adult world again. We have a computer that is amazing and we aren't stealing our Internet connection from someone else!! Woo hoo!! Look Mom, we are grown ups! :-)

I have a lot coming up... Monster's birthday party being the biggest on my plate. We are doing a simple Peter Piper party... when I say simple.. I don't mean simple. lol It's going to be crazy and hectic. But we will get through it and be completely exhausted at the end.. We got some amazing Super Mario party decorations!! They are awesome.. he is going to flip when he sees them. No, we haven't let him see them  yet, I want it to be a surprise. Evil Mommy, I know.

You can see them here!! (Yes, I am LOVING all my new options that I am getting by blogging from a real computer and NOT my phone. :-))

I am doing AMAZING with my weight watchers. I realized today that soon I'm going to have to buy new clothes for work. The capri pants that I practically live in, are about to start falling off of me. I can seriously pull them down with out unbuttoning them. TMI? lol So, if anyone would like to get me some work clothes I would LOVE this cute outfit. I'm not sure  how I would look in it...but I am fond of it from here.lol Did anyone else know that Lane Bryant sold shoes? Because I didn't and I am in LOVE with these. I might have to go get them!

Well, I am off to go and see Shrek the Final Chapter with my 2 favorite boys. I will leave you with this picture so you can truely understand why I love them so. :-)

Notice that Kyle is completely ignoring me.. lol

It's Been Awhile

With Easter, my dreaded birthday (that turned out being pretty good thanks to my awesome family & amazing husband), being sick & hectic life, I have completely forgot about blogging. I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.

So, we'll start with Easter. It was nice. Kyle wasn't feeling good so he didn't go to work. Monster is getting a little older so we were able to make his egg hunting a little bit more difficult. We went to my Mom's for dinner and had a birthday celebration all in one. My awesome family got me a Wii Fit! Which I adore, thank you monks and everyone else!

My birthday was good. My desk at work was decorative which made the day feel special. Complete with flowers and chocolates! Kyle brought me lunch and a new cd. Then I came home made Tacos for the monster and I & watched dvr'd episodes of Nurse Jackie & US of Tara. I took Wednesday off to celebrate with Kyle. We went to see Repomen & had lunch at The Cheese Cake Factory. Delicious! We were also semi celebrating our 5 month wedding anniversary. I can't believe it has already been THAT long. So, we decided that on the 7th of every month we are going back to The Cheese Cake Factory to try a different kind of cheese cake. At least until our 1 year. I don't think I have told you about Kyle's deep love for cheese cake. I'm pretty sure he would divorce me to marry it if it was legal.

I have also recently enrolled for online classes. I really enjoy school. So, once again I'm going back. That made me think of the song at the beginning of Grease 2. Ha ha, now I want to watch it. Anyway, back to school (ha Ja I'm totally singing that in my head everytime I type it), I'm taking prerequisites for the nursing program. But I have also been thinking about going further in English and writing. It has always been something I enjoy and have been pretty good at. I guess we'll see how it goes.

But, with the financial aid we will be able to get a new computer! I'm totally excited. It's going to take 4-6 weeks for the award to go through, which I really don't understand. I was approved in April of last year! That's the government for you. My first class statred on Monday and the next on May 12th. I'll be going to my Mom's to do the work. So, if anyone wants to buy my computer now, I'll pay you back in 4-6 weeks. No really, I'm serious. :-)

We got a new dog last Sunday. Her name is Bella. She is 2 years old and is a mix between an American Bulldog and Boxer. She is beautiful and very active. Although, if you saw her curled up snoring right now you would call me a liar. Kyle told me he wants to eventually have a dog rescue. My first reaction was "Absolutely not! OMG all that dog hair, are you CRAZY?" Then the more I thought about, it wouldn't be a bad idea WAY later in life, when we have a bigger house with a BIG backyard with enough room to have rescue dogs. My problem would be getting attached and not wanting to give them up.

And, finally the best part of all. We get to vacation in July!!! Kyle's work had to close down for 12 days. So, I took the 2nd week of July off and we are going on a real vacation. We will be driving to Houston to see Kyle's sister's new house. But, we are stopping on the way in San Antonio to go to Sea World and The Alamo. We are very excited. Not only for our vacation but 10 days of no work! OMG!!

I guess that covers everything... oh wait! We finally got Monster's rooms unpacked. Yes, he has 2 rooms, don't judge. He's an only child with entirely too many toys. And, we are happy with that. Unless we are unpacking them, then we are cursing the fact that he has so many.

Hope everyone else is having a good weekend I'm gonna go play my Wii Fit!

My First Blog & Blog Site!

So, I have been reading other blogs for a few years, and I have always thoght to myself "I can do that!" Well, here I am, doing that. It's a work in progress. I'm learning as I go. So, bare with me if it seems a little amature. Because, it is.

I don't really have a theme or anything in particular I plan to write about. Just mainly the crazy things that goes on, or whatever seems to be on my mind that day. I'm excited and can't wait to get started.

So, here's an overview of me and my life. I'm married, for almost 5 months now, and we still like each other! That's a pretty big accomplishment I think. I have a son who is 5, he is the one thing I'm really proud of. He is a sweetheart and so smart. I'm not sure how that happened. My husband, Kyle, and I are hoping to have a baby soon. I guess we'll see what happens. I'm actually a beauty school drop out. I gave it a try and realized I didn't like digging through people's heads. Not to mention cutting a skullet isn't as fun as it sounds. So, now I'm back to trying to figure out what to do as an adult. I have a job that isn't completely horrible. But, I don't want to work in a cubical forever. So, that's me in a nutshell.

I hope you stick around and read about our crazy adventures, or probably more like not so crazy and not that adventurous. Entertaining though!