Writing used to be my thing...

It feels like the more I try to do something the busier I am. Also, laziness is the devil.

Lots to post about... more than likely won't get to it all. I wish I had more time and patience to do it all. Sitting and writing can be so incredibly therapeutic.

Classes started this week. I am 10 credits (after this semester) away from my associates. It feels like I have been in school for an eternity. What am I going to do with this degree? Hell if I know! Celebrate that I actually got somewhere finally! I have considered getting my bachelor's in accounting or business management or some BS, do I want to do that forever... absolutely not. It would be good though, I could stay at WM and actually have some sort of career. It sounds completely bland an boring.

My classes this semester are pretty cool though. I'm taking introduction to religion. I think I might actually like this class. It's something I know nothing about, which is always awesome. I'm being serious, in case you are wondering. I really like learning about religion, who would have thought?

Ah yes, on to th important stuff. We got a GREAT DANE.. almost a year ago.. but it has been over a year since I posted. He's amazing... and beautiful... and smart... and giant.

People that have Danes are like this weird community. Also, people who have never seen a Dane treat you like a freak and insist on asking where his saddle is. I would like to have another one. Kyle said not right  now. Ha ha I love him to death though. Great Danes are by far the best dogs ever. I used to think I wanted a pack of English Bulldogs.. now I think I want a pack of English Bulldogs and Danes! Ha ha

We also went to Disneyland last summer for a vacation. No vacation this summer though. It has been a really, really lazy summer in our house. We went to a lot of baseball games and movies. It is nice sometimes to take a break from all of the chaos, but when I think back or look at pictures from our past vacations I feel like we really missed out this year.

My favorite time of year is coming! FALL!!! Salted caramel fraps/lattes at Starbucks, cooler weather (eventually), football, Halloween and sibling Thanksgiving. We missed out last year.. everyone was kind of off doing their own things... but not this year. It's at our house! I love it. I love having people over. I love planning things. I'm already thinking about different breakfasts I can make, since Aidan and I will be off the whole week of Thanksgiving and hopefully Kyle will too! I want to just enjoy that week. 9 days of no work. How amazing will that be. Less than 90 days!

Along with sucking at writing I have sucked at going to the gym. Seriously, it has been probably 2  months since I have been to the gym. I got my new job about 3 months ago and have gone maybe 3x. I have gained almost all of the weight I lost back and am seriously depressed by this. I know I need to get my ass back in gear and get in the gym again. We shall see how that goes. It's a struggle.. and a battle.. and it's all on me. This isn't one of those things that I can blame on other people. Unfortunately.

I wish I had something really profound to end this with other than this was possibly the lamest update in blog history. I hope maybe my next post won't be in over a year and will have more substance. I think it might. The weather is cooling down and I will get to be outside more. It's awesome to sit on my patio and write; like I am right now. It makes me feel like I migt be doing something worthwhile. Not sitting on the couch staring at the TV. Even if Dexter is amazing this season, and The Newsroom is equally amazing. I like using my brain.. and being outdoors.

Until next time..

I Can Conquer the World: Confessions of an Emotional Journey

Disclaimer: In leiu of my usual snarky and sarcastic writting I'm going to be real with you. I'm going to tell you things that I normally only admitt to those closest to me.

I was 282 pounds... I can't believe I just admitted that to the internet. This morning  I stepped on the scale and all of the usual thoughts ran through my head like: I shouldn't have ate that yesterday, did I gain, did I lose? Am I going to have to be extra careful today? Then the little digital piece of glass that is the cause of so much of my joy and heartbreak said 256.2 and I cried. That's not normal for me.  It was a relief. Maybe because I can't remember the last time that I saw that number on the scale or because I am PMSing. Either way I am happy. I haven't lost a whole lot, but it has been a very long and slow journey.

I have been doing this completely on my own source of self control. It is hard. I'm not saying people who get weight loss surgeries or any other form of diet don't have it hard. My best friend had a weight loss surgery and I have seen her struggle just as much as I have and I know it is hard. Each person has their own journey and their own struggles. For me, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am usually a quitter. At everything. I am not quitting this. I know that the fact that I am the size I am is because of me. I made myself this way. I was lazy,  ate entirely too much junk food and well... there isn't much else to say. This is why I am doing this. If I could make myself this way, I can fix it. I want to fix it. I want to know in the end that I did this. I struggled, blood, sweat (LOTS of sweat) and tears. I have cried  over how grossed out I am by myself, I have cried over being happy, I have cried tears of pure frustration. I want the day I cry because I am so proud of myself that I can't stand it. I know I have come so far from where I was. I am proud that I have done this. I am proud that I have been able to make this change and that I am sticking to it.

I had a very real moment with myself a few months back where I looked at myself and was utterly disgusted and scared at the same time. All of the health problems I am watching my mom go through has  lit a fire under my ass. Her health problems are not because of weight, but she is still too young to deal with these things. I don't want to be in the same boat. I would be the reason for it. I want to live a healthy life. I want to run and play with my kid. I want to teach Monster that you need to take care of your body and your health. This is it. You don't get another one. Take care of it.

My name is Kassie and I am a junk food addict. Another thing I can't believe I am admitting to the internet. Yes, this is a real addiction. No, I am not a doctor and no I didn't go to a doctor to be diagnosed with this. But, I am telling you I am 100% certain that I have a junk food addiction. Right down to the fact that I was and still could be a closet eater. I haven't done it in a very long time, since I realized that was I was doing was self destructive. When I say I was a closet eater.. I mean it. Sneaking candy, cupcakes anything. I still have the potential to be that way. Once I eat that first brownie eating a second or third is nothing. I can shove them in my mouth and walk away without saying a word to anyone. I am utterly disgusted with myself right now for even saying that out loud. These are things that I normally only think. I know that by airing out there for whoever happens to stumble across this in the internet world will help.

Now, I go to the gym as much as I can. I watch what I eat and if I want to eat junk food I tell someone I am going to eat it. I'm not kidding. I can't tell you how many times I have said to Kyle, I am going to eat... (insert something I shouldn't eat here) and he looks at me and says ok. To other people it may seem petty but for me, this is my checks and balances. It keeps me from hiding things. It makes me accountable.

I was laying in bed last night and was surprised by how much smaller my stomach felt.  It's unreal and bizarre to me. I may not look smaller to most people, but I can feel the difference. That's what matters to me.

I have learned a lot about myself through this. One being that I am strong. Emotionally and physically. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am sticking this out, even though people don't think I can or sometimes I feel like I don't get the support and feedback that I need. I am not someone to go looking for compliments or hoping someone will say something to me. I'm not kicking my ass for anyone but me. But, it is nice to hear praise and encouragement. Kyle has been awesome. He makes me go to the gym on days I normally wouldn't, he tells me that he is proud of me when I work out for an  hour or I do something that I didn't think I could. He is an amazing husband and supporter. As well as Heather. I coudn't do this without either of you, so thank you.

And with these tears.. I will go. Time to go get myself in a bathing suit and party for my nephew's 4th birthday.

Thank you again everyone.

December.. WOW!

So, 2010 is coming to a close. My first year as a married adult, the first year of living in a house, the first year I have actually known what I TRUELY wanted to do and went for it, and the year I lost 25lbs & can fit into a size 16 again. And, the  year of our first real family vacation.

What a year it has been!

I have so much I want to try to do in 2011. I'm going to attempt taking 3 classes, we want to go to Minnesota for Aidan's spring break. A new state and my first airplane ride!

I started doing the HCG thing for about a week right before Thanksgiving and have decided to wait until the new year. I'm back to WW and hopefully that will help keep the Christmas weight at bay. We went hiking this morning and it felt so good. I haven't done that in a long time. We took Monster with us and he had a blast. Kyle and I talked about it and have decided that we will hike every other week and go to church every other week. We just need to find a church in our area that we are both comfortable going too. We will see how that goes.

I'm going to create a goals list for 2011 I think. Just some things that I feel are reachable and will be worth working towards. I don't know what exactly it will include yet, but I have about 24 days to work it out.:-)

We are going to have a New Year's party again this year, so I am pretty excited about that. I love having partys!!

I guess that's really it. I have an essay and  a final to get done!
Have a great week!

AAAAAAnddd it's been about a month since I posted

• Well, I suck.. things have been busy. The End.
• We had a fabulous holiday weekend, and I will greatly miss the time off of work.
• I think I am mentally prepared for Christmas.
• I am almost done with my psychology class, my final is on December 4th. I'm excited!
• 2010 was a pretty amazing year.
• We had house guests for the first time this weekend. I love hosting things, even if it's just for a night.
• I hate Sundays, I spend the whole day dreading Monday. What a waste of a day.
• I am down to a size 16, for the first time in like 3 years, or possibly longer!
• I seriously love our new dining room table, I refuse to eat in the living room ever again.
• We had our first dinner party on Wednesday, I would say it was a success!

Here are some pictures to leave you with. I know I think you guys got ripped off on the post, but I have 2 creative writing assignments to turn in and I have got to get my but in gear.

Love you all, sorry I forgot about you  have been so busy!

He was super proud that he climbed his first tree

My awesome Thanksgiving day decorated table

Pretty amazing Garland that my cousin made

My 2 best friends and myself

So adorable

Making smores with the cousins

School, T-Ball and Pants that Fall Down.

I am enrolled in introduction to creative writing and psychology 240. Classes start September 13th. Woo Hoo... no freakin' math!! :-)

I'm excited to take both of these classes. I enjoyed psych 101 when I took it and did really good in it too. Let's hope that it's just as good taking it online.

Since, my feet are feeling better I am officially back on the work out train. I have to whip my butt in gear by October something or other for the 5k that I am doing with pretty much everyone now. It started out as something small and now I think there are like 5 other people doing it. I would feel really bad if I couldn't do it now, after getting everyone else involved. I'm sure I will be fine. I just have to seriously kick some butt. I shred last night for the first time in awhile.. and OMG. I'm sore today... but it feels good. I know I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and it's fabulous. Hopefully the scale will start going down agian and I will really start feeling good again. Luckily over the last month and a half hiatus I took I haven't gained anything. But, this last week... well, let's just not talk about the last week. It involved chocolate and ice cream, a whopper, french fries and some other wonderful foods that I am not eating again. I did however make some cookies that were on the WW website. I don't recommend them. They were more like chocolate chip muffins. Pretty disappointing. Especially when I was hoping for gooey chocolate chip cookies. But, I guess coming off of a diet website that was some pretty unrealistic expectations.

Monster is going to be doing Little League T-Ball coming up in September. We are really excited aobut that. I think it will be really good for him to be involved in something with other kids. I worry about his serious video game obsession. It can't be good for a kid his age to be so involved with video games and tv. Shoot, maybe Kyle and I will make some friends that have kids. It's kinda strange being the only one's with kids. Most people just don't understand what it's like. We can't go out to the bar every weekend, or hardly any weekends to be more realistic. I don't remember the last time we had a date night. It seems like whenever he isn't working and we have a babysitter it's for something. Someone's birthday party, or some sort of event involving other people. haha... and we want another one. I sound pretty ridiculous. I'm complaining about not having any us time because we have 1 kid and no babysitters.. and I want more. I guess it really isn't that bad at all. I'm just feeling whiney.

I must go and exercise my butt off now. I want all of my clothes to be too big. :-)

I'm a Complete Slacker

Or.. maybe I'm not. So, I finished my classes and planned to take a month off from school. Surprise! I'm not. I will be taking a creative writing class starting September 7th. I'm actually kind of excited for this. I really think it will be fun and will help me to become a better writer. Which I definitely could afford to be!

One thing I have failed to mention on here, mostly because I think it is so gross, is that I have planters warts .. on my feet (mine aren't that bad, but still look diseased). Yeah, ouch, gross, disgusting and repulsive. I had to go to the Dr. today for treatment number 3 out of 6 and all I can think about is the fact that my foot hurts so bad. Which is why I am brining it up. Becuase, ow I can barely walk and it sucks that I can't go swimming with everyone else later. Yes, they are contagious. :-( I am way bummed.

I am down 17lbs! Awesome right?!?! Maybe you are sick of hearing about how much weight I have lost... but too bad! I am super de duper proud of myself. I can wear jeans I haven't worn in a really long time.I'm happy!

The last thing to update on is that we got rid of Z. I wish it was under better circumstances, but it was something that we had to do. For the safety of our other pets and selves. Bella and Zephyr got into a very nasty fight on Tuesday night. It was just Monster and I here when it happened. It was very scarey for both of us. Bella got hurt pretty bad and I had to take her to the emergency animal hospital to get her stitched up. When we got home Kyle called animal control to come and get Z. He was a very big part of our family for over a year and it was sad to see him go. We had done all we could for him, he listened better than he did when we got him but his anger and temper had only got worse. Z will be missed, but not the crazy angry Z. The lovable Z that would come and lay his head in my lap because he wanted me to pet him.

Zephyr

A Whole Lot of Nonsense Crammed Into 1 Post

So, we are getting close to 2 months of dieting and kicking my ass working out. What have I accomplished? I have made it to level 2 of Jillian "the bitch" Michael's 30 day shred, and I have lost (drum roll please) 6 lbs!! Which isn't much... but OMG the inches that are coming off make me a happy happy girl. I have been doing so good with sticking with my daily points and not using my weeklies except on my 1 cheat day a week. Last night Kyle and I got NYPD pizza & wings for dinner.. WOW. SO GOOD! I love living over here. We are close to all kinds of good stuff!! I'm really proud of myself for sticking this out this time around. I recently discovered that on WW they have a community with message boards and all kinds of fun stuff. So, that is awesome. It helps to see how much everyone else is struggling also (and it isn't just me), the encouragement of everyone on there is really awesome. I have never gone to a meeting, I don't know if I could. I am so shy that it could honestly scar me. I know you are all like... what shy?!?! Yes, honestly I am. I can't even play charades infront of people!! I may speak my mind once I am comfortable around ya, but get up and do something completely alone.. now that will make me pee my pants in an instant.

We are very close to vacation time. :-) I'm gettin excited. It's time to book our hotel in San Antonio and start planning everything. The only bummer is that homework will unfortunately invade my vacation. That sucks total ass... but oh well.. the price we pay right?

Speaking of homework... I should seriously be working on my art history paper.. this thing has been plaguing me for like 3 weeks now. You would totally thing that since I have know about it since the start of the semester I wouldn't have waited til 4 hours before it is due to work on it, right? Wrong.. if you honestly thought that you don't know me at all!! I am the QUEEN of procrastination!! It is in my blood... ask my mom!! So, here I am.. about to BS my way through yet another Art History paper and pray I do as good as I did the last time through. I'm sure I will be fine. I could think of some really good excuses as for why I am waiting til the last second, for example, Math is super duper hard (no joke, really it is) and I have been focusing on that. But really I haven't, I will be cramming that in tomorrow before Carl's birthday party. I just suck. Altogehter suck. I procrastinate, the sooner you comes to terms with that the better we all will be. :-)

I must attempt to go and BS my way through my paper now.. seriously I'm going to try.

I will leave you with some pretty amazing pictures of Monster's birthday party!

This is the FABULOUS cupcake stand that my sister and I worked our butts off to make!

He can't smile... really I believe that.

OMG.. he's 6... :-(

A new computer!

Check me out! I'm blogging from a real computer with real capabilities of making this a pretty good blog.

At least if I had time I would. I am going to be making this short.. just a quick update.

Shredding is kicking my ass.. but it is working. I have definitely lost inches.. and a full 3lbs. YAY!! Go me... and I am getting muscles in my legs. Who would have thought?

School started, I'm in my 2nd week. Not too bad. Speaking of I should be writting my paper. I have family coming over and my house is a wreck.

So, until I get the chance to update again. Have a good day!

Shred it Baby!

I was feeling a bit insane today when workout time came around. I decided I would give Jillian Michaels 30 day shred a try. OMG, insane isn't even a fair word for it. My legs were shaking and I looked like I was just hosed down from head to toe. Who would have thought 20 mins could be so hard?

So, I bought the dvd as soon as I was done. Lol my new goal for May? Shred every day for 30 days! Let's do it! I know you will hear about how sore I am, and how I don't want to do it, but just tell me to shut up and at the end I will be glad I did it.

Here we go!

April In A Nutshell

Holy cow, it's already May! I can't believe it.

So, for my April to do list I got 3 out of 5 things accomplished. (waiting for applause.....)

1. I got a Wii fit! (thanks again to my awesome family)
2. Started Weight Watchers. I started it last week & have done pretty good. 2.5lbs down.... only 77.5 more to go! :-)
3. Date night! We had date night last Saturday. It was good to relax and spend time with Kyle.

April was a good month. My birthday, Easter, I got back in school, it was the 3 year mark since Kyle & I moved in together and quite a bit of family time. I got myself organized to start my weight loss off right and it actually worked!

May is so far looking to be a good month too. It will start with Monster's end of the year performance. I can't believe he will be a first grader! That is insane. My financial aid will be coming, woo hoo new computer! I will be starting my classes, yes I am looking forward to that. I like school, I'm a total nerd. Planning Monster's 6th birthday party. And, of course Mother's day. I'm looking forward to the struggle of keeping up with my weight loss and getting closer to my goal!

Woo hoo time to make a new to do list.

Who Needs A Title For This? Not Me.

I always find Saturday afternoons to be my favorite part of my week. There is still plenty of time ahead before the dreaded Monday and I have already accomplished something with my weekend, or at least this weekend I have.

I have realized a lot this past week that I have really been struggling with lately. I'm not sure what route I'm headed with this or how to map it all out for you, so hang in there this might get a little bumpy and all over the place.

With my looming birthday I have realized that getting older is becoming an issue for me. I know I'm still considered young, but I feel like I'm getting too old to be unsure of what I want to do. I know, I'm not even 30 yet, blah blah blah blah. But, still! I seriously feel like I should be somewhere by now. I had a plan when I was younger, but somewhere along the years of rebelling and moving in with my then boyfriend, getting pregnant, moving home, moving out, moving home, then out and so forth I lost sight of my plan. I know it's my fault, so it's time to fix it. Hopefully, by Monday, I will be on a good path in the right direction.

On to my next realization. I hate Kyle's schedule. Hate, hate,hate... did I say I hate it? I spend a lot of time with Monster which is awesome, but not enough adult time. With this pure hatred for his schedule it has made me irritable with Kyle. I know full well that it isn't his fault. Which then makes me feel guilty for being irritated with Kyle. It's a horrible cycle. It isn't like we aren't used to not seeing each other. That has been our relationship from the start. We have pretty much always worked opposite schedules. So, why the new irritation with it? I guess I'm just starting to feel like enough is enough. I want a life. I want to do things with our friends, have date nights, see each other more than 2 nights a week and a couple hours over the weekend. Who knows when this will change. Sooner rather than later I hope.

I feel like I'm whining. But, dang it, this is my blog and I will whine if I want to. In spirit of whining, on to my next subject;

My weight loss struggle.

It feels like my weight has always been something I have fought with. There was a period of time in high school where looking back now I was a good healthy weight. But, to ask me then I thought I was fat. And then right before I got pregnant I was at a decent size, but again I thought I was fat. Fast forward to now, I'm relatively 100lbs heavier than I was then. Maybe even more. I have always struggled with this. It is depressing and hard to deal with. My fault? Absolutely. I don't have a medical condition that causes it. Unless laziness is a medical condition. I was doing really well with weight watchers last year. But, I found some excuse for why I had to stop, like I always do. I'm notorious for excuses. You would think that my repulsion for myself would push me harder, but it doesn't.

I'm going to start it again. I'm going to do this. I have been told it gets harder to lose the weight the older you get. I need to lose it, before it turns into a medical problem. There will be excuses, I know it. But, I need to. To not only be healthy, but because I don't want to look at myself in the mirror anymore. Because, seeing what I looked like on my wedding day grossed me out. Because, I'm INSANELY insecure. Because if I don't now I might always be this way. And I'm not ok with that.

Now with all this being said it might seem like I'm having a pitty party or think my life is so hard. I don't. I know I'm better off than a lot of other people. I know just how lucky I am. I'm just unusually depressed at the moment.

Well call me Betty Downer. If you actually made it this far into this I commend you and wish I had some sort of prize for you. Until next time, Have a great day and Happy Easter to you!