It's a Trilogy not a chapter.

    Driving home from work yesterday, I felt sad about moving for the first time since this whirlwind began. I'm generally pretty emotional and can get very nostalgic. I haven't felt any of that yet. I'm not naive enough to think that it wasn't going to happen. I know me. There will be enough tears to fill a lake. Not just before I leave. It will be before, during AND after. Where people often misunderstand is that you can be sad about a chapter ending, and happy about the new one beginning. Even if I feel more like this is a book coming to an end. Oooooh, maybe my life is more like a Trilogy series. I love those. This book is over, and now it's time for the second. Yes! I like that analogy better. Same protagonists but new antagonists. A whole BUNCH of new chapters. 

    Ugh, what is with me and getting carried away with analogies lately? 

    So, yes... That was all I really wanted to say. I was sad for the first time about moving. It made me think about what's to come and how I'm going to be sad a lot more in the future. It doesn't mean it should stay. It just means that a lot of memories have been made here, I have connections here and I think Arizona will always be "home". 

A New Current

Stagnant: (of a body of water or the atmosphere of a confined space) having no current or flow and often having an unpleasant smell as a consequence


My life is stagnant. I feel like I am going nowhere - maybe I should say I felt like I was going nowhere. Every day was the same. My surroundings were the same.


I have lived in Arizona my whole life. Cactus, dirt, Palo Verde trees, palm trees (which are not native to Arizona, but can endure the blazing sun enough to survive). I have always dreamed of experiencing life somewhere else. I have never really travelled anywhere else to visit even (CA, NV, TX & MN). I've never been to the east coast. I don't even know what life is like outside the desert.


I'm about to find out.




There is a river that is going to start flowing into this stagnant lake. The life will be revived, the fish have new places to explore. It is exciting.


This doesn't come without consequence though. The other fish in this lake are not excited about the change. You see, fish simply do not leave this school. They are born here, stay here, and die here. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that - for them. For this particular fish, I want to spread my fins and explore.


Okay, enough with the analogies.


I know I have always been different. I'm not like my family. I'm more creative, open minded, curious, maybe even a tad more rebellious. I like to do things that are out of the norm. I like to experience life, not just float idly by. This change in the never changing lives of theirs is rocking things like never before. I moved away once before - mind you it was still in the state and only 230mi away, not 1232. Like I said - I have always been curious.


I just don't see myself staying here. I feel like in order to truly be whomever I am meant to be I need to leave. How will I ever know my true potential if I don't make changes and pursue other things? Maybe this is selfish. Then so be it. I am usually not selfish. I change my life to accommodate others. I can't this time. The "what if" will not be "what if I lived somewhere else".


People grow, they change, they move away, and sometimes they come back. I'm not sure what I will find in TX, or where life will take me after this - I do know that this what I am supposed to be doing.

Your Crazy is Worth It

You hope that by the time you are 30 you would have your life together. Most, like myself, are responsible for the well being of another human life. You don’t want to mess them up. You want to give them a better life than you had. So, you try and try and try to do things “right”. Who can truly say what “right” is? Taking them on family vacations, and spending more time with them than your parents did - is that right? Obviously, in some ways it is. But, is that keeping them from still getting the same emotional issues that you have? The abandonment issues, the communication problems, the lack of showing emotions, keeping people out so they don’t realize what a mess you really are. Is that something that you can prevent your kids from getting… just by taking them on vacations? I don’t know… I don’t have it figured out. Does any one?     

            I know my monster has abandonment issues – like I do. I’ve been told it’s a subconscious thing. It stems from the lack of a biological parents presence. The feeling of not being wanted – even before you are able to realize that wasn’t exactly how it went down. It still gets to you, no matter how you fight it. I didn’t want him to be affected by my bad choices as a young 20 something, rebellious girl. Inevitably, he was – even with a good man raising him that he loves more than me on some days. 

            So, what is the reason for this long-winded cluster fuck of words? So much. So, so much.  My issues came to surface over this last week. Not intentionally. Not by any means on purpose. I got to thinking about my biological father, which resulted in some Facebook stalking. Oh how we all love to Facebook stalk. Watch out, it can lead to some unresolved issues. I then proceeded to get  in touch with these family members – which leads to  more emotional issues… and here I am. After, a week of fighting it and trying to not be affected by it, to not be cranky, to not let it show. Today, the damns broke, today I let myself feel.
            I met him a couple times, about 11-12 years ago. I was in my “Mike Phase” as I like to call it. The time when I was “hard”. I was not me. My mom has even told me that I have never been the same person I was before him. I don’t think I could be. I was so young before him. I experienced a lot of stuff during that time. Things  I never thought I would do, or say, or… there are too  many or’s for this. That phase of my life is a whole different set of emotional trauma and I like to keep those locked in a different vault. I forgot the combination as well. I don’t want to rehash that. Back to my “daddy issues”. I don’t think I gave myself the appropriate amount of time to process what a BIG ordeal it really was meeting my biological father. I had spent 10 year or so wondering about this man. Wondering about why he didn’t want to be a part of my life. If he thought about me. Why he didn’t look for me? As a parent now, I don’t know if it is really different for mom’s than it is dad’s, I would go to the ends of the earth and back if I knew I had a kid out there somewhere. Eminem’s song Headlight’s comes to mind, that song is really getting to me lately.

“But I'd have flipped every mattress, every rock and desert cactus
Own a collection of maps and followed my kids to the edge of the atlas
Someone ever moved them from me? That you coulda bet your asses
If I had to come down the chimney dressed as Santa, kidnap them.”

I don’t know what prevented me from asking those questions. The “I don’t give a shit” attitude I possessed at the time, fear of knowing the truth, or the awkward feeling of the whole situation. Maybe all three. Either way, I was left with a lot of unaddressed feelings.  I stopped talking to him, or he stopped talking to me – I don’t know which. We lost contact after a couple years. Fast forward to today. I had a two-hour conversation with this man earlier this week. I don’t think I have ever had a two-hour conversation with my dad. No, I take that back… I spent a whole day talking to my dad after my step mom died. We talked about a lot of stuff – that left me pretty fucked up and emotional then too. I just don’t deal with talking to my dad’s very well. I guess I wouldn’t. I have said multiple times, maybe because I think it will change the more I think about it, I don’t know how to have a normal “father figure” in my life. I see these girls that idolize their dad’s. These amazing relationships. I have always wanted that. My. Whole. Life. I always envisioned my dad walking me down the aisle (which he did), the father daughter dance (which I got). It was nothing like what I expected though. It was awkward. Maybe it was for other people too. I don’t know. To say the relationship I have with my dad is and has always been rocky is an understatement. Maybe even the understatement of the century. I don’t know what I want. From my dad or my biological father. I don’t know what I expect to get from either of them. I think at this point in my life there isn’t much I can. It was needed in those crucial developmental years. The years that teach a girl how a man should treat a woman. Maybe then it wouldn’t have taken me so long to learn what I was worth.  Maybe if they were both around more I wouldn’t push the people who love me the most away because I don’t feel like my crazy is something they should deal with.  I don’t know, and I never will. Either way, I need to figure out what I want from here on out.

Now that I am a little more stable, and I use that word loosely, I am forced to deal with these feelings. They are making me feel quite unstable.  It’s funny how things come back. Not even just those things, but they force you to evaluate life in more ways than you ever wanted. You have to deal with feelings you never wanted to deal with. Even make you forgive things you never thought you would or could. If I could just deal with the feelings that I want and push the others off for a later date maybe I wouldn’t feel quite as crazy.

            Then there are the questions that I don’t know how to answer, no matter how hard I try. What am I wanting from all of this and what did I expect? I don’t know.

Writing used to be my thing...

It feels like the more I try to do something the busier I am. Also, laziness is the devil.

Lots to post about... more than likely won't get to it all. I wish I had more time and patience to do it all. Sitting and writing can be so incredibly therapeutic.

Classes started this week. I am 10 credits (after this semester) away from my associates. It feels like I have been in school for an eternity. What am I going to do with this degree? Hell if I know! Celebrate that I actually got somewhere finally! I have considered getting my bachelor's in accounting or business management or some BS, do I want to do that forever... absolutely not. It would be good though, I could stay at WM and actually have some sort of career. It sounds completely bland an boring.

My classes this semester are pretty cool though. I'm taking introduction to religion. I think I might actually like this class. It's something I know nothing about, which is always awesome. I'm being serious, in case you are wondering. I really like learning about religion, who would have thought?

Ah yes, on to th important stuff. We got a GREAT DANE.. almost a year ago.. but it has been over a year since I posted. He's amazing... and beautiful... and smart... and giant.

People that have Danes are like this weird community. Also, people who have never seen a Dane treat you like a freak and insist on asking where his saddle is. I would like to have another one. Kyle said not right  now. Ha ha I love him to death though. Great Danes are by far the best dogs ever. I used to think I wanted a pack of English Bulldogs.. now I think I want a pack of English Bulldogs and Danes! Ha ha

We also went to Disneyland last summer for a vacation. No vacation this summer though. It has been a really, really lazy summer in our house. We went to a lot of baseball games and movies. It is nice sometimes to take a break from all of the chaos, but when I think back or look at pictures from our past vacations I feel like we really missed out this year.

My favorite time of year is coming! FALL!!! Salted caramel fraps/lattes at Starbucks, cooler weather (eventually), football, Halloween and sibling Thanksgiving. We missed out last year.. everyone was kind of off doing their own things... but not this year. It's at our house! I love it. I love having people over. I love planning things. I'm already thinking about different breakfasts I can make, since Aidan and I will be off the whole week of Thanksgiving and hopefully Kyle will too! I want to just enjoy that week. 9 days of no work. How amazing will that be. Less than 90 days!

Along with sucking at writing I have sucked at going to the gym. Seriously, it has been probably 2  months since I have been to the gym. I got my new job about 3 months ago and have gone maybe 3x. I have gained almost all of the weight I lost back and am seriously depressed by this. I know I need to get my ass back in gear and get in the gym again. We shall see how that goes. It's a struggle.. and a battle.. and it's all on me. This isn't one of those things that I can blame on other people. Unfortunately.

I wish I had something really profound to end this with other than this was possibly the lamest update in blog history. I hope maybe my next post won't be in over a year and will have more substance. I think it might. The weather is cooling down and I will get to be outside more. It's awesome to sit on my patio and write; like I am right now. It makes me feel like I migt be doing something worthwhile. Not sitting on the couch staring at the TV. Even if Dexter is amazing this season, and The Newsroom is equally amazing. I like using my brain.. and being outdoors.

Until next time..

I Suck at Follow Through

So, it's been close to a year since I have been on here. I wish I would have kept up with this better. But, I didn't. I really am going to try this again. It is helpful for me to write.. even if it is just for me.

So, a brief update of what has been going on? Maybe; but first I have to explain something I am feeling...

I am currently sitting in the backyard at our patio table feeling the cool wind on my face and blowing my hair around. I am in heaven. So many thoughts of how my life got to where I am and the true happiness of it all. I am truly happy. It's not something I have experienced a whole lot. I am usually too stressed out, or busy... but in this very moment, even though I haven't touched my homework and I know I should be doing that instead of this, I am happy. Content. Relaxed (another word I don't experience often). I can hear the sprinklers on the golf course, the crickets chirping and Bella rustling around in the bushes. There are faint sounds of the cars going by in the distance.. but for me the solitude that I am feeling right now is all that matters. I could be in a house in the country with no neighbors for miles and would feel the same way I do right now. It's amazing.

Growing up in a house of 5 is noisy. If you have ever met my family you would know that we are all loud. Silence is something that is treasured for me. I don't experience it unless I am sleeping. Being alone is a foreign concept. When I am not at work I have Monster. To feel this... this comfort with just the sounds of the crickets and my neighbor's flag flapping in the wind is blissful. I know a lot of people who take moments like this for granted. Maybe to you I sound like I am going on and on about something that is petty. For me, it's a rare moment. I want to relish in it. I want to bottle it up so I can open that jar on days where there is nothing but chaos and the hope of peeing uninterrupted. I'm not complaining by any means. If I didn't have those crazy days I would be bored. I would create chaos. It's having that chaos that makes you appreciate the rarity of the tranquil. Soaking in a tub while reading a book, laying in bed in pitch black nothingness, enjoying the breeze on the patio... these are the things that remind you why being alive is so amazing. These stolen moments of pure happiness are what makes each day so blessed. I may complain a lot.. some might even say I tend to be more negative than positive. Tonight under the twinkling stars in this beautiful state that I call my home, I see nothing but good in the future.

December.. WOW!

So, 2010 is coming to a close. My first year as a married adult, the first year of living in a house, the first year I have actually known what I TRUELY wanted to do and went for it, and the year I lost 25lbs & can fit into a size 16 again. And, the  year of our first real family vacation.

What a year it has been!

I have so much I want to try to do in 2011. I'm going to attempt taking 3 classes, we want to go to Minnesota for Aidan's spring break. A new state and my first airplane ride!

I started doing the HCG thing for about a week right before Thanksgiving and have decided to wait until the new year. I'm back to WW and hopefully that will help keep the Christmas weight at bay. We went hiking this morning and it felt so good. I haven't done that in a long time. We took Monster with us and he had a blast. Kyle and I talked about it and have decided that we will hike every other week and go to church every other week. We just need to find a church in our area that we are both comfortable going too. We will see how that goes.

I'm going to create a goals list for 2011 I think. Just some things that I feel are reachable and will be worth working towards. I don't know what exactly it will include yet, but I have about 24 days to work it out.:-)

We are going to have a New Year's party again this year, so I am pretty excited about that. I love having partys!!

I guess that's really it. I have an essay and  a final to get done!
Have a great week!

Stop and Smell Some Flowers, or Eat Some Chocolate.

Too many people sit and plan their lives, schedule every breath, pencil in appointments with their kids and live by that plan. I do that a lot. We over schedule our lives. We fill every second of every day. With this mentality we are convinced that our life isn't complete until we reach that big goal, the end result is all that matters. Whether it's our career goal, having the perfect family with the white picket fence and 2.5 kids, or the Ken and Barbie marriage. Whatever that goal is, that is all that matters.

But with that in mind.. you miss all the things that make life worth being here for. You miss the cute smiles, the tasty cookies, beautiful flowers, the clouds shifting and changing shapes and so much more.

This is it, you only get once chance. So take it one minute at a time, don't schedule things that aren't necessary, like dr's appointments, you can't just show up for those. I want to slow down, enjoy my life. I think if I do that then maybe the end goal will be that much sweeter.