I'm a Complete Slacker

Or.. maybe I'm not. So, I finished my classes and planned to take a month off from school. Surprise! I'm not. I will be taking a creative writing class starting September 7th. I'm actually kind of excited for this. I really think it will be fun and will help me to become a better writer. Which I definitely could afford to be!

One thing I have failed to mention on here, mostly because I think it is so gross, is that I have planters warts .. on my feet (mine aren't that bad, but still look diseased). Yeah, ouch, gross, disgusting and repulsive. I had to go to the Dr. today for treatment number 3 out of 6 and all I can think about is the fact that my foot hurts so bad. Which is why I am brining it up. Becuase, ow I can barely walk and it sucks that I can't go swimming with everyone else later. Yes, they are contagious. :-( I am way bummed.

I am down 17lbs! Awesome right?!?! Maybe you are sick of hearing about how much weight I have lost... but too bad! I am super de duper proud of myself. I can wear jeans I haven't worn in a really long time.I'm happy!

The last thing to update on is that we got rid of Z. I wish it was under better circumstances, but it was something that we had to do. For the safety of our other pets and selves. Bella and Zephyr got into a very nasty fight on Tuesday night. It was just Monster and I here when it happened. It was very scarey for both of us. Bella got hurt pretty bad and I had to take her to the emergency animal hospital to get her stitched up. When we got home Kyle called animal control to come and get Z. He was a very big part of our family for over a year and it was sad to see him go. We had done all we could for him, he listened better than he did when we got him but his anger and temper had only got worse. Z will be missed, but not the crazy angry Z. The lovable Z that would come and lay his head in my lap because he wanted me to pet him.

Zephyr

the one with random stuff that doesn't go together at all.

School is almost done. I have my finals tomorrow and Saturday. Then, I am taking a month off of school. I am thinking I wanna take english next semester and maybe a creative writting course. I'm really considering doing an english major.

I have lost 15.5lbs so far. Which I feel is a GIGANTIC accomplishment. I haven't worked out as much as I would like to lately, due to the most painful planters warts in the history of the world. But, I am going to get back on that ASAP! I have to continue training for the 5k in October. This is really setting me back.

Monster started 1st grade this week. He is really liking his new school. I'm glad, since he was REALLY bummed that he had to change schools. I know he is a friendly kid and will make tons of friends in no time. But, then again, I also know what it's like to change schools a lot. It's hard. I hated it. I think he is ok for now. I just don't want him to have to change again anytime soon.

So, I think that's all I have for tonight.

However, I have been thinking about doing this. I might do it when my wonderful husband gets me my new camera for Christmas. and do 365 days starting on Christmas. I thought is seemed pretty cool. :-)

Of the Parenting Kind.

It seems like I am at the age where everyone is having kids or already has kids. With this comes so many different parenting styles. I have witnessed the over bearing, sanitize everything the baby touches parents to the "eh, a little dirt don't hurt". When in reality the binki probably just rolled in dog poo, but no biggie right? I'd like to think that I was somewhere in the middle. Somewhere in the I love my child enough to worry but not freak out style. Maybe I freaked out, a little? I don't really remember. That was a very stressful time. I think I missed a lot of Monster's good times. I look at pictures and can remember, but I wish I would have been more present. Less worried about what I was going to do to make my relationship work. More worried about documenting every smile, laugh and tear that graced his beautiful face. I wish I could have those years engraved in my brain. I guess that's part of the problem with being such a young mother. I wasn't done growing up myself.

We want to have a baby. I want to have a baby so badly I think it hurts at times. Maybe that is why I'm not getting pregnant. I need to just relax and wait for it to happen.

If I don't, I will still be beyond blessed with the monster that I do have. Being able to love such an amazing little boy is enough for me. He truely is amazing. He is so loving and sweet, the poor boy wears his heart on his sleeve 24 hours a day. I'm worried about him as he gets older. How sensitive he is & how intune to my emotions he is. We all know I am an emotional nutcase. I just don't ever want him to worry that I am pinning my happiness on him, because I'm not. That is a lot for such a young boy to carry. I want him to feel free to be who he is and go where his heart takes him knowing that I will always be here and will always love him. Being a mom is so much harder than I ever imagined.

As I get older I am realizing so much more about me, my strengths & weaknesses. More about being a mom, more about being a woman, and just more in general.

One day I hope to have it all under control. But for now, I just want to enjoy the ride.

The Spiraling Pool of Nonsense that is My Brain

There are so many things that go on in my head. I think constantly. Non Stop. It drives me insane at times. I have a problem with putting it verbally in words.. or sometimes in words at all.

So here I go.. it might not make a lot of sense. Or sense at all.

I guess somewhere along the lines of 16 and 27 I never realized I was growing up. In a lot of ways I don't feel any different. Is this a problem? I guess it could be depending on how you look at it. I always think, "I don't have to worry about that right now. I have so much time left." That's why when I sit and think about how old I am and that really I'm not much different than I was, career wise,  when I graduated high school ,that it freaks me out a bit. I feel like so many of my friends from high school have become real adults. And, here I am playing house. I remember when I was in elementary school playing "teenagers" with one of my friends. It reminds me a lot of my life right now, except I am in charge of raising a kid. But, then when I think about it more I'm like "Why am I freaking out? I'm only 27!" I don't know. There are so many things that stress me out, I wonder how relevant any of it is.

I never know what emotions I feel. I often wonder if I'm actually feeling anything at all, or if I think, "This is how I'm supposed to feel. So, maybe I should say that's what I am feeling." Am I the only person that is like this? Is this normal? What is normal? Here I am again. Not knowing how to translate what's in my head through my fingers. Or, to anything.

What's a real wife or woman supposed to be like? I see so many woman that I truly admire and wonder if I could ever be like them. They seem so put together and competent. And, I feel like I am a fish out of water just flopping around doing what I think I am supposed to do. Or, sometimes not even what I think I'm supposed to do, because I am sick of doing that. I am always wondering what other people are thinking about me.We had Kyle's brother and his wife over for dinner last night. And, honest to God, I stressed about making dinner just right. Doing dishes as soon as we were done eating, just so they thought I was a good wife to him. I really worry that much. That can't be normal. Why does it matter to me so much what other people think? Why does it bother me so much that it bothers me?

I have ran across some random blogs that I now read a lot. It really inspires me to go after my dream of writing. I love to write, I love to read, I love words. I don't know if I could ever do it. I get scared of failing and not being able to do something. Maybe that's another reason why I have never finished school for anything, and why I don't pursue anything more than the job I am in. But, I want to write. I feel like if I actually tried I could probably be good at it. What would I write? I have no freakin' clue. I don't have an interesting life or anything that would really draw much attention. But, I could find something I am sure.

I warned you that it probably wouldn't make sense. And, yet I still don't feel like I have said everything that is on my mind. But, I don't know how to say what's in there. I'm still thinking. Still feeling like something is bothering me, but I don't know what it is. I am restless lately. I have this nagging feeling that something is gonna happen, or should happen, or maybe has already happened? I don't know. Just something. Maybe I need a change? Something isn't right, somewhere.

I know one thing that is really bugging me lately. I know entirely too many people that should not procreate that are. I probably know 5 people that are pregnant right now. None of which should be allowed to raise children. I don't get it. How can it be possible that people who shouldn't be having babies, are the only ones that are? It is not looking good for future generations, at all.

I guess I could close this out now. Kyle will be home from work soon.

Its been awhile.. and I think I'm more crazy than ever.

Yes, I know... it has been like 5 billion weeks since I have posted anything. But, seriously I have lost my mind and should be comitted. On the plus side, I leave for San Antonio in 3 days and I am officially on vacation since 2:56pm today. So, maybe by the time I get back from vacation some of my sanity will be restored. :-)

My weight loss has been going pretty good. Almost to 8lbs. Which I might add is a pretty big feat for myself. I am running every other day and doing the shred in between (most days anyway. We won't discuss this week, insanity remember?).

School is another subject that should be omitted in the update. Just putting it out there.

I have realized that my poor son is just as clumsy as I am. He is hopeless in this matter. :-(

So, other than that... everything is pretty normal.

A Whole Lot of Nonsense Crammed Into 1 Post

So, we are getting close to 2 months of dieting and kicking my ass working out. What have I accomplished? I have made it to level 2 of Jillian "the bitch" Michael's 30 day shred, and I have lost (drum roll please) 6 lbs!! Which isn't much... but OMG the inches that are coming off make me a happy happy girl. I have been doing so good with sticking with my daily points and not using my weeklies except on my 1 cheat day a week. Last night Kyle and I got NYPD pizza & wings for dinner.. WOW. SO GOOD! I love living over here. We are close to all kinds of good stuff!! I'm really proud of myself for sticking this out this time around. I recently discovered that on WW they have a community with message boards and all kinds of fun stuff. So, that is awesome. It helps to see how much everyone else is struggling also (and it isn't just me), the encouragement of everyone on there is really awesome. I have never gone to a meeting, I don't know if I could. I am so shy that it could honestly scar me. I know you are all like... what shy?!?! Yes, honestly I am. I can't even play charades infront of people!! I may speak my mind once I am comfortable around ya, but get up and do something completely alone.. now that will make me pee my pants in an instant.

We are very close to vacation time. :-) I'm gettin excited. It's time to book our hotel in San Antonio and start planning everything. The only bummer is that homework will unfortunately invade my vacation. That sucks total ass... but oh well.. the price we pay right?

Speaking of homework... I should seriously be working on my art history paper.. this thing has been plaguing me for like 3 weeks now. You would totally thing that since I have know about it since the start of the semester I wouldn't have waited til 4 hours before it is due to work on it, right? Wrong.. if you honestly thought that you don't know me at all!! I am the QUEEN of procrastination!! It is in my blood... ask my mom!! So, here I am.. about to BS my way through yet another Art History paper and pray I do as good as I did the last time through. I'm sure I will be fine. I could think of some really good excuses as for why I am waiting til the last second, for example, Math is super duper hard (no joke, really it is) and I have been focusing on that. But really I haven't, I will be cramming that in tomorrow before Carl's birthday party. I just suck. Altogehter suck. I procrastinate, the sooner you comes to terms with that the better we all will be. :-)

I must attempt to go and BS my way through my paper now.. seriously I'm going to try.

I will leave you with some pretty amazing pictures of Monster's birthday party!

This is the FABULOUS cupcake stand that my sister and I worked our butts off to make!

He can't smile... really I believe that.

OMG.. he's 6... :-(

Happy Birthday Monster

Dear Monster,

On this very day 6 years ago you came into my life. I didn't know it then but I needed you as much as you needed me. You have changed my life in ways I don't think you could ever  understand. You have made me a happier person. Everyday that I get to see your smile or hear you laugh is an amazing day.

Thank you.

Love,

The luckiest mommy ever.

Looking oh so cool on his new bike.

I love you Monster