Shizz is getting real.....

The app on my phone says 13 days until we leave.. holly F-bombs where did the time go??

I'm sitting in my garage... in the heat mind you, watching people rummage through my stuff. Trying to get me to sell it to them cheaper. This is my stuff.... all of these things that have some sort of value to me. It's weird to sit here while this happens.

My house is getting emptier by the day. The boxes are piling up.

I still feel overwhelming excitement for the upcoming adventure. I am also starting to feel sad. Sad to be  leaving my best friend and her adorable babies. My family, Kyle's family that is here. My job and the people, okay mostly the people. I can do my job anywhere, accounting is pretty standard across the board. But, for the first time EVER I LOVE my boss. I love the majority of the people I work with. That's something.  I don't regret my decision to leave. I think the realization is starting to set in though. The change is enormous. It's also what I wanted. So, there's that.

I'm not delusional, I know once we get there and the excitement of it wears off I will be homesick. Arizona is the only place I have ever lived. However, I won't miss the consistent brown everywhere. Seriously... the ground is brown, the houses are brown, most of the trees are brownish. Who said... "HEY, let's camouflage everything to match the surrounding nature!"?? Why? I really mean, why? Let's get some color up in here!!! Green is AWESOME! I like green. I can't wait to see it everywhere.

But first, I gotta sell this stuff. Like really. I wish people would just show up and buy it all. I remember this being fun as a kid. As an adult in Arizona when it is 90 something outside, this is not fun... in any shape or form.

It's a Trilogy not a chapter.

    Driving home from work yesterday, I felt sad about moving for the first time since this whirlwind began. I'm generally pretty emotional and can get very nostalgic. I haven't felt any of that yet. I'm not naive enough to think that it wasn't going to happen. I know me. There will be enough tears to fill a lake. Not just before I leave. It will be before, during AND after. Where people often misunderstand is that you can be sad about a chapter ending, and happy about the new one beginning. Even if I feel more like this is a book coming to an end. Oooooh, maybe my life is more like a Trilogy series. I love those. This book is over, and now it's time for the second. Yes! I like that analogy better. Same protagonists but new antagonists. A whole BUNCH of new chapters. 

    Ugh, what is with me and getting carried away with analogies lately? 

    So, yes... That was all I really wanted to say. I was sad for the first time about moving. It made me think about what's to come and how I'm going to be sad a lot more in the future. It doesn't mean it should stay. It just means that a lot of memories have been made here, I have connections here and I think Arizona will always be "home". 

A New Current

Stagnant: (of a body of water or the atmosphere of a confined space) having no current or flow and often having an unpleasant smell as a consequence


My life is stagnant. I feel like I am going nowhere - maybe I should say I felt like I was going nowhere. Every day was the same. My surroundings were the same.


I have lived in Arizona my whole life. Cactus, dirt, Palo Verde trees, palm trees (which are not native to Arizona, but can endure the blazing sun enough to survive). I have always dreamed of experiencing life somewhere else. I have never really travelled anywhere else to visit even (CA, NV, TX & MN). I've never been to the east coast. I don't even know what life is like outside the desert.


I'm about to find out.




There is a river that is going to start flowing into this stagnant lake. The life will be revived, the fish have new places to explore. It is exciting.


This doesn't come without consequence though. The other fish in this lake are not excited about the change. You see, fish simply do not leave this school. They are born here, stay here, and die here. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that - for them. For this particular fish, I want to spread my fins and explore.


Okay, enough with the analogies.


I know I have always been different. I'm not like my family. I'm more creative, open minded, curious, maybe even a tad more rebellious. I like to do things that are out of the norm. I like to experience life, not just float idly by. This change in the never changing lives of theirs is rocking things like never before. I moved away once before - mind you it was still in the state and only 230mi away, not 1232. Like I said - I have always been curious.


I just don't see myself staying here. I feel like in order to truly be whomever I am meant to be I need to leave. How will I ever know my true potential if I don't make changes and pursue other things? Maybe this is selfish. Then so be it. I am usually not selfish. I change my life to accommodate others. I can't this time. The "what if" will not be "what if I lived somewhere else".


People grow, they change, they move away, and sometimes they come back. I'm not sure what I will find in TX, or where life will take me after this - I do know that this what I am supposed to be doing.

Your Crazy is Worth It

You hope that by the time you are 30 you would have your life together. Most, like myself, are responsible for the well being of another human life. You don’t want to mess them up. You want to give them a better life than you had. So, you try and try and try to do things “right”. Who can truly say what “right” is? Taking them on family vacations, and spending more time with them than your parents did - is that right? Obviously, in some ways it is. But, is that keeping them from still getting the same emotional issues that you have? The abandonment issues, the communication problems, the lack of showing emotions, keeping people out so they don’t realize what a mess you really are. Is that something that you can prevent your kids from getting… just by taking them on vacations? I don’t know… I don’t have it figured out. Does any one?     

            I know my monster has abandonment issues – like I do. I’ve been told it’s a subconscious thing. It stems from the lack of a biological parents presence. The feeling of not being wanted – even before you are able to realize that wasn’t exactly how it went down. It still gets to you, no matter how you fight it. I didn’t want him to be affected by my bad choices as a young 20 something, rebellious girl. Inevitably, he was – even with a good man raising him that he loves more than me on some days. 

            So, what is the reason for this long-winded cluster fuck of words? So much. So, so much.  My issues came to surface over this last week. Not intentionally. Not by any means on purpose. I got to thinking about my biological father, which resulted in some Facebook stalking. Oh how we all love to Facebook stalk. Watch out, it can lead to some unresolved issues. I then proceeded to get  in touch with these family members – which leads to  more emotional issues… and here I am. After, a week of fighting it and trying to not be affected by it, to not be cranky, to not let it show. Today, the damns broke, today I let myself feel.
            I met him a couple times, about 11-12 years ago. I was in my “Mike Phase” as I like to call it. The time when I was “hard”. I was not me. My mom has even told me that I have never been the same person I was before him. I don’t think I could be. I was so young before him. I experienced a lot of stuff during that time. Things  I never thought I would do, or say, or… there are too  many or’s for this. That phase of my life is a whole different set of emotional trauma and I like to keep those locked in a different vault. I forgot the combination as well. I don’t want to rehash that. Back to my “daddy issues”. I don’t think I gave myself the appropriate amount of time to process what a BIG ordeal it really was meeting my biological father. I had spent 10 year or so wondering about this man. Wondering about why he didn’t want to be a part of my life. If he thought about me. Why he didn’t look for me? As a parent now, I don’t know if it is really different for mom’s than it is dad’s, I would go to the ends of the earth and back if I knew I had a kid out there somewhere. Eminem’s song Headlight’s comes to mind, that song is really getting to me lately.

“But I'd have flipped every mattress, every rock and desert cactus
Own a collection of maps and followed my kids to the edge of the atlas
Someone ever moved them from me? That you coulda bet your asses
If I had to come down the chimney dressed as Santa, kidnap them.”

I don’t know what prevented me from asking those questions. The “I don’t give a shit” attitude I possessed at the time, fear of knowing the truth, or the awkward feeling of the whole situation. Maybe all three. Either way, I was left with a lot of unaddressed feelings.  I stopped talking to him, or he stopped talking to me – I don’t know which. We lost contact after a couple years. Fast forward to today. I had a two-hour conversation with this man earlier this week. I don’t think I have ever had a two-hour conversation with my dad. No, I take that back… I spent a whole day talking to my dad after my step mom died. We talked about a lot of stuff – that left me pretty fucked up and emotional then too. I just don’t deal with talking to my dad’s very well. I guess I wouldn’t. I have said multiple times, maybe because I think it will change the more I think about it, I don’t know how to have a normal “father figure” in my life. I see these girls that idolize their dad’s. These amazing relationships. I have always wanted that. My. Whole. Life. I always envisioned my dad walking me down the aisle (which he did), the father daughter dance (which I got). It was nothing like what I expected though. It was awkward. Maybe it was for other people too. I don’t know. To say the relationship I have with my dad is and has always been rocky is an understatement. Maybe even the understatement of the century. I don’t know what I want. From my dad or my biological father. I don’t know what I expect to get from either of them. I think at this point in my life there isn’t much I can. It was needed in those crucial developmental years. The years that teach a girl how a man should treat a woman. Maybe then it wouldn’t have taken me so long to learn what I was worth.  Maybe if they were both around more I wouldn’t push the people who love me the most away because I don’t feel like my crazy is something they should deal with.  I don’t know, and I never will. Either way, I need to figure out what I want from here on out.

Now that I am a little more stable, and I use that word loosely, I am forced to deal with these feelings. They are making me feel quite unstable.  It’s funny how things come back. Not even just those things, but they force you to evaluate life in more ways than you ever wanted. You have to deal with feelings you never wanted to deal with. Even make you forgive things you never thought you would or could. If I could just deal with the feelings that I want and push the others off for a later date maybe I wouldn’t feel quite as crazy.

            Then there are the questions that I don’t know how to answer, no matter how hard I try. What am I wanting from all of this and what did I expect? I don’t know.

Writing used to be my thing...

It feels like the more I try to do something the busier I am. Also, laziness is the devil.

Lots to post about... more than likely won't get to it all. I wish I had more time and patience to do it all. Sitting and writing can be so incredibly therapeutic.

Classes started this week. I am 10 credits (after this semester) away from my associates. It feels like I have been in school for an eternity. What am I going to do with this degree? Hell if I know! Celebrate that I actually got somewhere finally! I have considered getting my bachelor's in accounting or business management or some BS, do I want to do that forever... absolutely not. It would be good though, I could stay at WM and actually have some sort of career. It sounds completely bland an boring.

My classes this semester are pretty cool though. I'm taking introduction to religion. I think I might actually like this class. It's something I know nothing about, which is always awesome. I'm being serious, in case you are wondering. I really like learning about religion, who would have thought?

Ah yes, on to th important stuff. We got a GREAT DANE.. almost a year ago.. but it has been over a year since I posted. He's amazing... and beautiful... and smart... and giant.

People that have Danes are like this weird community. Also, people who have never seen a Dane treat you like a freak and insist on asking where his saddle is. I would like to have another one. Kyle said not right  now. Ha ha I love him to death though. Great Danes are by far the best dogs ever. I used to think I wanted a pack of English Bulldogs.. now I think I want a pack of English Bulldogs and Danes! Ha ha

We also went to Disneyland last summer for a vacation. No vacation this summer though. It has been a really, really lazy summer in our house. We went to a lot of baseball games and movies. It is nice sometimes to take a break from all of the chaos, but when I think back or look at pictures from our past vacations I feel like we really missed out this year.

My favorite time of year is coming! FALL!!! Salted caramel fraps/lattes at Starbucks, cooler weather (eventually), football, Halloween and sibling Thanksgiving. We missed out last year.. everyone was kind of off doing their own things... but not this year. It's at our house! I love it. I love having people over. I love planning things. I'm already thinking about different breakfasts I can make, since Aidan and I will be off the whole week of Thanksgiving and hopefully Kyle will too! I want to just enjoy that week. 9 days of no work. How amazing will that be. Less than 90 days!

Along with sucking at writing I have sucked at going to the gym. Seriously, it has been probably 2  months since I have been to the gym. I got my new job about 3 months ago and have gone maybe 3x. I have gained almost all of the weight I lost back and am seriously depressed by this. I know I need to get my ass back in gear and get in the gym again. We shall see how that goes. It's a struggle.. and a battle.. and it's all on me. This isn't one of those things that I can blame on other people. Unfortunately.

I wish I had something really profound to end this with other than this was possibly the lamest update in blog history. I hope maybe my next post won't be in over a year and will have more substance. I think it might. The weather is cooling down and I will get to be outside more. It's awesome to sit on my patio and write; like I am right now. It makes me feel like I migt be doing something worthwhile. Not sitting on the couch staring at the TV. Even if Dexter is amazing this season, and The Newsroom is equally amazing. I like using my brain.. and being outdoors.

Until next time..

I Can Conquer the World: Confessions of an Emotional Journey

Disclaimer: In leiu of my usual snarky and sarcastic writting I'm going to be real with you. I'm going to tell you things that I normally only admitt to those closest to me.

I was 282 pounds... I can't believe I just admitted that to the internet. This morning  I stepped on the scale and all of the usual thoughts ran through my head like: I shouldn't have ate that yesterday, did I gain, did I lose? Am I going to have to be extra careful today? Then the little digital piece of glass that is the cause of so much of my joy and heartbreak said 256.2 and I cried. That's not normal for me.  It was a relief. Maybe because I can't remember the last time that I saw that number on the scale or because I am PMSing. Either way I am happy. I haven't lost a whole lot, but it has been a very long and slow journey.

I have been doing this completely on my own source of self control. It is hard. I'm not saying people who get weight loss surgeries or any other form of diet don't have it hard. My best friend had a weight loss surgery and I have seen her struggle just as much as I have and I know it is hard. Each person has their own journey and their own struggles. For me, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am usually a quitter. At everything. I am not quitting this. I know that the fact that I am the size I am is because of me. I made myself this way. I was lazy,  ate entirely too much junk food and well... there isn't much else to say. This is why I am doing this. If I could make myself this way, I can fix it. I want to fix it. I want to know in the end that I did this. I struggled, blood, sweat (LOTS of sweat) and tears. I have cried  over how grossed out I am by myself, I have cried over being happy, I have cried tears of pure frustration. I want the day I cry because I am so proud of myself that I can't stand it. I know I have come so far from where I was. I am proud that I have done this. I am proud that I have been able to make this change and that I am sticking to it.

I had a very real moment with myself a few months back where I looked at myself and was utterly disgusted and scared at the same time. All of the health problems I am watching my mom go through has  lit a fire under my ass. Her health problems are not because of weight, but she is still too young to deal with these things. I don't want to be in the same boat. I would be the reason for it. I want to live a healthy life. I want to run and play with my kid. I want to teach Monster that you need to take care of your body and your health. This is it. You don't get another one. Take care of it.

My name is Kassie and I am a junk food addict. Another thing I can't believe I am admitting to the internet. Yes, this is a real addiction. No, I am not a doctor and no I didn't go to a doctor to be diagnosed with this. But, I am telling you I am 100% certain that I have a junk food addiction. Right down to the fact that I was and still could be a closet eater. I haven't done it in a very long time, since I realized that was I was doing was self destructive. When I say I was a closet eater.. I mean it. Sneaking candy, cupcakes anything. I still have the potential to be that way. Once I eat that first brownie eating a second or third is nothing. I can shove them in my mouth and walk away without saying a word to anyone. I am utterly disgusted with myself right now for even saying that out loud. These are things that I normally only think. I know that by airing out there for whoever happens to stumble across this in the internet world will help.

Now, I go to the gym as much as I can. I watch what I eat and if I want to eat junk food I tell someone I am going to eat it. I'm not kidding. I can't tell you how many times I have said to Kyle, I am going to eat... (insert something I shouldn't eat here) and he looks at me and says ok. To other people it may seem petty but for me, this is my checks and balances. It keeps me from hiding things. It makes me accountable.

I was laying in bed last night and was surprised by how much smaller my stomach felt.  It's unreal and bizarre to me. I may not look smaller to most people, but I can feel the difference. That's what matters to me.

I have learned a lot about myself through this. One being that I am strong. Emotionally and physically. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am sticking this out, even though people don't think I can or sometimes I feel like I don't get the support and feedback that I need. I am not someone to go looking for compliments or hoping someone will say something to me. I'm not kicking my ass for anyone but me. But, it is nice to hear praise and encouragement. Kyle has been awesome. He makes me go to the gym on days I normally wouldn't, he tells me that he is proud of me when I work out for an  hour or I do something that I didn't think I could. He is an amazing husband and supporter. As well as Heather. I coudn't do this without either of you, so thank you.

And with these tears.. I will go. Time to go get myself in a bathing suit and party for my nephew's 4th birthday.

Thank you again everyone.

Judgy McJudgerson

We all do it. Even if you say you don't... you have.

It might be about the bum on the corner, your neighbor (although I know my neighbor is a basket case; that is a whole different post), someone you work with, or even someone in your family (I have some fruit cakes there too). You make snap judgements or have certain opinions about them and their life. The thing about it is, you never know what they are going through. People don't always tell everyone their whole story. No matter how close you are, there is always something they aren't telling you. There is one person in this world that I tell absolutely everything too. Half of the time he isn't listening to me... but I do tell him everything. He is the one person that I know that won't judge me.


"Oh my God, she got implants? What a whore!" You don't know if she had one terribly deformed boob, or if it was just because she could. Who cares! It isn't your place to say anything.


"Wow, that cashier was such a bitch!" Maybe her fish died, or she just found out her husband was cheating on her. Give her time.. it isn't your place to say something.

"That guy was standing there begging for money. He didn't look homeless to me. He should go get a job." For this there are so many options. I know standing and begging for money is ludicrous, but you don't know his situation. I have given a bum money before. I felt truly bad for him as I'm was drinking my Starbucks in my air conditioned car and he's standing on the corner in his ripped up clothes and drinking a half bottle of water that the car in front of me gave him. So, I rolled down my window and gave him a $5.  Maybe he went and bought booze with it, but that was  his decision.

I'm guilty. I will come right out and tell you right now, I judge people all the time. I know it's wrong... I know I shouldn't. Not because God or the Bible says so, but because as a human being I know how it feels to be judged. It hurts. I get judged because I'm a fat girl. I should have high cholesterol, zero endurance to do aerobics and be super weak. Well, I'm telling you right now, my blood pressure and cholesterol are outstanding, I'm able to do aerobic activity much longer than most skinny girls and I'm super strong. People make judgements off of nothing. It's annoying and unkind.

My point is just to say this. Before you say something about the girl with her cleavage hanging out, the guy with the sign, the ratty haired lady in line at the store, your bad attitude having co worker or the person in your family making terrible decisions; think about it. Maybe you don't know the whole story. You aren't perfect either. Sometimes situations make us do things that are out of character. 

Life is Beautiful

In my 29 years I have taken many different roads to get where I am today. None of which were the ones that most people go down. They were bumpy, unkept and some I'm pretty sure were rural dirt roads. You know the ones that have addresses like county road 9 and the post office won't deliver there? Yes, I suck at following direction, even when someone tells me the road I should take. Even with this said; I wouldn't change a damn thing. I'm proud of the woman I am today. I might be a little very stubborn, a sometimes know it all, loud and blunt; but I do have a good heart when I want to. I can be compassionate when I feel like it's appreciated and if I love you enough God knows I would do anything for you. Even if I don't want to. I feel like those rural dirt roads shaped me more than the smooth freshly paved ones ever could have. I learned a lot about who I wanted to be and they gave me the outline of how to get there. It just took awhile to follow the directions to get here.

Now, what's the point in telling you all of this you ask? Well, because young grass hopper, I had a self realization moment the other day. My sister and I were talking and found out that amongst my MANY different possible career roads that I took, I quit one when I was ridiculously close to being accepted to the program. Or, at least applying. I was 4 classes short of applying to the nursing program. That's it. I talked it over with Kyle and my sister and I am going to finish that road. Crazy, right? I am so used to quitting things... I think it's fear of failure personally, but that's for another self realization blog. I know I can do this.. not to mention the money would be awesome, once I finally do finish. So, I have an appointment with an advisement counselor to talk it over with them and get moving.

I know you are all thinking, "But, Kassie what about becoming a author?!?!?" No need to worry, I still fully plan to get my english degree. I don't want to give up any of the things that I love. I love to write and take pictures. I fully intend to keep up with those things. I am no stranger to taking on more than any one person can conceivably handle.


I think I finally figured it out. I might have directions to get where I need to go. A way to have a job with importance and meaning. Hopefully I can follow the directions a little better. I guess there is always Google Maps, right?

Here is an image to show you how hopeful I am. Everything is beautiful right now.

The sunsent from my backyard. I know you are jealous. :-)

I Suck at Follow Through

So, it's been close to a year since I have been on here. I wish I would have kept up with this better. But, I didn't. I really am going to try this again. It is helpful for me to write.. even if it is just for me.

So, a brief update of what has been going on? Maybe; but first I have to explain something I am feeling...

I am currently sitting in the backyard at our patio table feeling the cool wind on my face and blowing my hair around. I am in heaven. So many thoughts of how my life got to where I am and the true happiness of it all. I am truly happy. It's not something I have experienced a whole lot. I am usually too stressed out, or busy... but in this very moment, even though I haven't touched my homework and I know I should be doing that instead of this, I am happy. Content. Relaxed (another word I don't experience often). I can hear the sprinklers on the golf course, the crickets chirping and Bella rustling around in the bushes. There are faint sounds of the cars going by in the distance.. but for me the solitude that I am feeling right now is all that matters. I could be in a house in the country with no neighbors for miles and would feel the same way I do right now. It's amazing.

Growing up in a house of 5 is noisy. If you have ever met my family you would know that we are all loud. Silence is something that is treasured for me. I don't experience it unless I am sleeping. Being alone is a foreign concept. When I am not at work I have Monster. To feel this... this comfort with just the sounds of the crickets and my neighbor's flag flapping in the wind is blissful. I know a lot of people who take moments like this for granted. Maybe to you I sound like I am going on and on about something that is petty. For me, it's a rare moment. I want to relish in it. I want to bottle it up so I can open that jar on days where there is nothing but chaos and the hope of peeing uninterrupted. I'm not complaining by any means. If I didn't have those crazy days I would be bored. I would create chaos. It's having that chaos that makes you appreciate the rarity of the tranquil. Soaking in a tub while reading a book, laying in bed in pitch black nothingness, enjoying the breeze on the patio... these are the things that remind you why being alive is so amazing. These stolen moments of pure happiness are what makes each day so blessed. I may complain a lot.. some might even say I tend to be more negative than positive. Tonight under the twinkling stars in this beautiful state that I call my home, I see nothing but good in the future.

Schooooooooool's out for SUMMER!

Finally finished up my last creative writing class. No more classes til August 22nd. I haven't had this much time off from classes in over a year. WOO HOO!!

I am very proud of the finished product from this last class. It was a great learning process for my writing abilities. At the end of the semester I had a finished short story. It's awesome.  I have been thinking about finding some writing contests to enter. Maybe even find some literary magazines to submit pieces of work to, see if I could get published?

Well.. here is my finished story. :)

Who I Can Be

With every slap to my face and every name he called me, I grew stronger. I knew that one day I would leave him. I had put up with the abuse and the fighting for so long that I knew I would eventually snap. I have never known what a real genuine relationship was like. Randy and I were high school sweethearts. It wasn’t love at first sight, I was just curious at first. When I looked at him from across the room in our English class, his dark eyes always drew me in.  He was so mysterious. After I finally mustered the courage to talk to him and we started dating, it took me three months to break down the walls enough that he finally let me in. What I saw was haunting. The torment and pain that he had experienced as a child was enough to break anyone, but not him. For the first time ever, he had someone that he could call his, me. I would be the one person that he could count on. Now, here I stand broken, abused and a shadow of the girl I was six years ago.

I have no job, car, family or friends all because of him. My family and friends grew tired of watching me put up with the abuse and wrote me off years ago. It’s just him and me now, the way he wanted it. We live in a run down apartment because he can’t keep a job. He says that he has back problems and he quits every couple months. I don’t know how much more I can take.

As I sit on the same worn in spot on our ratty, dirty couch, and look at his face, I feel sick to my stomach. I know that today is going to be another bad day; there are a lot of these. The furrow lines in his brow are deep today. As he flips through the few channels we have, he turns and looks at me with disgust, it’s going to start.

“Why are you just sitting there looking at me? Are we going to eat breakfast today or not?” he spits at me.

“Of course, I was just about to ask you what you would like to have today. I can make you French toast, or eggs,” I reply as sweetly as possible. I know it won’t help much, but sometimes it prolongs the inevitable.

“Just make me some eggs, and bring me a beer with them. I don’t want to go to work today, my back is hurting.”

I get up to walk to the kitchen and feel the remote smack me in the back of my head.

“And, hurry up, bitch, I’m hungry.”

That was all it took, I saw red and turned around after him.

“That is the last time you will throw another thing at me! And that is the last time you will ever call me bitch, you BASTARD!”

As I run from the only home I have known over the last six years, I feel relief, but scared. Where will I go? I could call my mom, I think as I slow from a sprint to a jog reaching the end of the street. Even though calling my mom is the last thing I want to do, I know that it’s my only option. I didn’t have time to grab my purse as I ran from my apartment. With no money and looking as frightening as I do, I pray that the cashier at the convenience store will let me use the phone.

I walk in the doors and the cashier looks at me in horror. My left eye is swollen shut, my hair is a rats nest pulled up into a greasy pony tail, I am wearing my light blue pajama pants that I got when I was 14 years old and my t-shirt was ripped with little splatters of blood.

“Ma’am, are you okay? Do you need me to call the police?” the young cashier asks me as she starts to grab the phone from it’s cradle.

“No, I’m okay. But, if I could just use your phone that would be great,” I tell her.

“Yes, yes go ahead.”

I go to grab the receiver from the cashier and a drop of blood drips onto the counter from my arm.

“Miss, are you sure you don’t need me to call the police? You are bleeding. I really think you should go to a hospital,” she says to me with concern.

“No, I’m going to call my Mom and have her take me to the hospital. Really I’m fine.”

I’m starting to panic because that blood isn’t mine. It’s Randy’s. Realizing I can’t explain how I came to have someone else’s blood on me I tell the girl my Mom’s phone number to dial.

“Hello Gardner residence.”

“Jackie, it’s Corrie, is my mom home?”

“Oh Corrie Dear! How are you? It has been so long since we have heard from you around here,” she excitedly asks in her thick southern accent.

“I will tell you all about it later, Jackie, I promise. But, right now it’s really important that I speak with my mom. Is she there?”

“Yes dear, she is. She is about to leave. Let me see if I can catch her.”

I’m waiting impatiently to hear my Mom pick up the phone and glance up to see the cashier busy herself with wiping down the counter. She’s trying to look like she isn’t listening to my conversation. I need to watch what I say.

“Corrie, are you ok? Jackie said it was very important that I speak with you,” my mom says picking up the phone.

“No, I’m not. I need you to come and pick me up right away. I’m at the circle K by my apartment. Please come quickly,” I say fighting back tears.

“I have Pilates in an hour, I will come after,” She says very sternly, and about to hang up.

“Mom, I know I have made some mistakes and I know you have been upset by some of my previous decisions. Right now, I need you to put that behind you and understand that I need you more than ever,” I beg bursting into tears.

“Corrie, you are making this really hard on me. I have helped you so many times and you threw it back in my face, I just can’t.”

“It is very different this time, I can’t explain now, please just come.”

With a big sigh from the other end of the phone she agrees.

“I will be there in 10 minutes. And, Corrie, you better not go back to him this time.”

“Trust me. I won’t.”

Seeing my mom pull up in her Mercedes to pick me up brought back so many memories from grade school. Right down to the look of disappointment.

I know that I need to tell her what happened in my apartment today. I just don’t know how to start it. How can you tell someone who already thinks so little of you something that is this serious?

“Where are we headed, Mom?”

“First we are going by your apartment. I’m going to run in and get you some clean clothes, and then I will drop you off at my house so you can shower. I have a dinner tonight with the ladies that I go to Pilates with, you can come if you like.”

“Did you say we are going to my apartment? We can’t go there. I can’t go back there right now,” I say starting to panic.

“Well, you aren’t staying at my house like that. You need decent clothes. I have my pepper spray, Corrie, I’m not worried.”

“No, we really can’t go there. I… I.. I need to tell you something, Mom.”

“I’m not buying you clothes, if that is what you are trying to do. I guess I can see what old stuff I have in my closet.”

“ Did you hear me? I need to tell you something and it’s important.”

“Yes, but I can’t talk about it right now. We will talk after you get yourself cleaned up.”

Not wanting to argue with her anymore I got back to looking out the window. As we pass by my apartment complex I notice there is an ambulance and two police cars parked in the parking lot. I can feel my palms sweating and my heart racing.

“Mom, I can’t wait to tell you this later. You need to listen to me. I think I did something really bad,” I confess as my eyes fill with tears.

“Okay Corrie, since you can’t wait anymore. What is it? What did you do that is so bad?” She asks thick with sarcasm.

“I think I might have killed Randy. I don’t know for sure, but there was a lot of blood and he wasn’t moving. I couldn‘t bring myself to get close in case he was still alive, I just ran.  I just couldn‘t take it anymore, Mom. He threw the remote at the back of my head and I and attacked him. I grabbed one of the empty beer bottles from the coffee table and hit him over the head with it. When he started to punch me I stabbed him repeatedly with a broken piece and ran. Part of me wants him to be dead. I know how terrible that sounds. ”

My whole body is trembling uncontrollably as I wait for her to respond. But, she doesn’t. She doesn’t even blink. She just keeps staring straight ahead and driving with no expression.

“Well, I know he deserves it,” she replies emotionless.

Lingering in the entryway to my mom’s house feels odd. Nothing has changed. My mom is a creature of habit. The wooden framed mirror with the crack in the upper right corner has been hanging on the very same wall in the foyer since I was 8. It was given to my mom when her grandmother died. The yellow floral couch in the formal living room has been there since before I was born. The only difference is that now the house smells stale. It doesn’t smell like home anymore. No one is baking cookies in the kitchen and I’m pretty sure my mom hasn’t opened the windows to “let the summer air in” in years. That has changed the whole feeling of this house, it feels lonely in here now.

Feeling the warm shower water run down my back is the most relaxing feeling I have had all day. It starts to make me think about the events of today. I woke up this morning like it was any other day. I had no idea that today was the day that I was going to kill Randy. Me, Corrie Gardener, I took another person’s life today. I’m not a killer. I wanted to be a doctor so I could save lives. How is it possible that I am standing here a killer? Tears are running down my face mixing with the water. I feel more alone and less like myself than I ever have in my entire life.

Getting out of the shower I look at myself in the mirror. The black eye and green bruises that still linger on my arms start to ignite the anger that I felt earlier. Grabbing my mom’s hairbrush I walk into her room where she is still sitting.

“I think we should tell the police what happened,” I say with a little attitude.

“Are you sure, Corrie? No one is going to miss him. You still have a chance to get your life back together. But if that is what you want I can get a hold of my lawyer and we can get this all taken care of.”

“We have to go to the police. Look at me mom,” I say dropping my towel to show her the bruises all over me.

“They will believe that it was self defense. I want to do the right thing. I’m not a murderer.”

My mom bursts into tears. This is the first time I have ever seen her show emotion like this. Even as a kid I never saw her sad or crying.

“Oh Corrie, I’m so sorry. He deserved this. He deserved everything that you did to him.”

“No, he didn’t deserve to die. He should be in jail, not lying in his own blood. He really did love me. He trusted me, and I killed him. I feel like such a horrible person.”
                                    “You aren’t horrible, Corrie. You were defending yourself against everything that he has done to you over the years. You had a bright future. You wanted to be a surgeon! Don’t you remember that girl? I do. I think about her every day. Now you can be her again. Now, you have a chance to make a life for yourself.”

“I know. I will. But, I really have to go to the police. I need to tell them what I did. I have to be honest. That above all else is who I am.”

“Well sweetheart, get dressed. I will call Ruth and tell her I’m not going to make it to dinner. When you are ready we will go down to the police station.”

“Oh, Mom no you don’t have to do that. I know how important your dinner is to you.”

“No, I do. I want you to know that you are important too. I haven’t been there and now I can be, and I want to. You need me.”

For the first time in a long time I feel like I have my mom. The emotions are overwhelming. Today has been a day of loss and gain. I need to get dressed and head over to the police station, but the nerves are overwhelming. I know that I need to tell them what I did but I’m so afraid of what will happen.

“Mom, it’s going to be ok right?” I ask her. Needing her reassurance makes me feel like I am a little girl again.

“I’m sure it is. That is why I have called my lawyer, Andrew.”

Walking into the police station I feel more nervous than I ever have in my life. I keep imagining myself sitting in a cell.

“Corrie Gardner, we are ready for you,” a chubby woman in her uniform says to me. She looks nice, but that could all change when she hears what happened.

I walk with her to a small room with a table and tall policeman waiting for me.

“Please have a seat Corrie,” he smiles at me.

“We just have a few questions for you about what happened to Randy.”

I sit down and prepare for what is about to happen. I know that what I did was wrong but they have to believe that I was defending myself. I’m not a violent person.

“Of course Officer. I can answer any questions you have.”

“My first question is, did you assault Randy? You know that he is in surgery right now, fighting for his life?”

“Yes, I did. But it was in defense. He has been beating me for years.”

I feel like a criminal. Not like the victim that I know I am. I know that I was wrong for attacking Randy, but he had it coming. He has had it coming for years now.

“I know it was wrong. I shouldn’t have snapped on him like that. He has been pushing me around for so many years now. I lost it. I am sorry.”

“Why didn’t you come to us before it got to this point?”

“I- I… I don’t know,” I shake my head and look down at my hands resting on the table.

While we are talking there is a knock on the door. A bigger man in a uniform pokes his head in. The chubby lady excuses herself and goes to talk to him.  I watch her face and notice darkness to it. She walks back over to me and looks at me with a seriously stern face.

“Corrie, I have some bad news. Randy didn’t make it through his surgery,” she stares at me waiting for some sort of reaction

The handcuffs that they put me in were cold as I walked to a cell with my head down. I’m not a monster. I don’t belong in this place. It was self-defense.

I hear the door close and look around my new place of residence, in a cell again. I feel almost like I did back in the apartment with Randy.  There is hope though. I told the investigator about the girl at the convenience store. She saw me right after everything happened. She has to be some help.

I lie down on my bed and stare up at the ceiling. I hope this doesn’t last too long.

It has been a month and I have been sitting in the same cell day after day. Only allowed to leave when my lawyer or my mom come to see me or for the hour of daylight I get to see each day.

The security guard comes to get me and hands me the dark blue pantsuit that my mom bought for me to wear. I graciously accept and turn to get dressed. Modesty is something that I lost after the first few days of being in here.

Walking into the courtroom with my hands in the handcuffs again. I spot Randy’s father and sister siting in the front row. I haven’t spoke to them since the incident. I feel terrible about missing Randy’s funeral; I would have liked to go. I did love him, even after all that had happened between us. His father looks drunk as usual. They both glare at me like I’m a common criminal.  I look away and find my mother on the other side of the aisle and she looks worried. It’s a very common look for her these days. Hopefully, today will be the last day that I see her look like this.  Standing at the table where I am being lead is Andrew, my lawyer. He gives me his best “everything is going to be ok” smile and hugs me before I sit down.

“I feel really good about this, Corrie.”

“I hope your feeling is right, Andrew.”

Waiting for the verdict to be read is the most nerve-wracking thing I have ever experienced. Looking at the jurors doesn’t help either. Not a single one of them are even looking at me.

“All rise,” I hear the bailiff command.

I stand up and feel like my knees are going to collapse. I take a deep breath and let it out slowly as the judge asks the jurors to read the verdict.

“We find the defendant Corrie Gardner not guilty,” the foreman reads.

My head is instantly spinning. Did I hear that right? Not guilty. Not guilty. NOT GUILTY.

I feel Andrew give me a giant hug and pick me up off the ground. I’m smiling and my cheeks feel wet. I didn’t even realize I was crying. I think I hear my mom screaming next to me.

It occurs to me how devastated Randy’s family must be. I look over at where they were sitting to see them no longer there. I know they will never speak to me again.

“Let’s get you home and get you showered and comfortable,” My mom says while grabbing my hand.

On the drive home I look over at my mom and see her smiling for the first time in a while. I’m grateful for everything she has done for me in the course of this mess. I hate to ask her for anything else, but I know I need to do something.

“Mom, do you think we could go by the cemetery where Randy was buried?”

She looks over at me disapprovingly and gives me a small nod of her head as if to say she thinks it’s a bad idea but knows why I want to go.

I sit back and feel a small part of me ache inside while we drive.

Driving over to his plot I started to feel the sadness I expected to feel, but ten times stronger.

“Here we are,” my mom says, stopping her car next to a dark green patch of grass with lots of headstones in the ground.

“Do you want me to come with you Corrie?”

“No. I need to do this alone.”

“Ok. Well it’s the second row. I’ll be here whenever you are ready.”

I walk to the second row of headstones and find Randy’s. I stare at it for a minute and remembering everything that has happened leading up to this moment. The moment that I am standing at Randy’s grave. The boy I loved. The boy I killed.

I bend down and place my hand on the cold cement stone over his name.

“I’m so sorry. I did love you.”

I kiss my hand and place it back on the head stone. A single tear rolls down my cheek and with that I get up and walk away. This is the last time I will cry over Randy.

Long time no see!

It has been awhile. Entirely too long. I tried using tumblr and livejournal, word to the wise... don't. This is the best free blogging site that I have found.

Aidan's 7th birthday was Saturday. He is so big! I love that little boy. :-) How can anyone not?

So, since the last time I was here a lot has happened. I have acquired a fantastic macbook and completed 2 more classes. Next semester I am going to take French and Astronomy. I'm SO incredibly excited!! I will definitely keep you all posted about how that goes! :-)

I read my last post.. and I'm disappointed with myself. I had so much that I wanted to accomplish in 2011. We are 6 months into it, and I have failed at pretty much everything that I wanted to do. I gave up my 365 project before January was even over. I have not hit my diet as hard as I wanted. I'm super bummed. I didn't realize how optimistic I was until reading that now. I think I am going to really try and do it all again.

Prodigious

The word for 2010.

I keep seeing "2010 sucked for me", I don't agree. We had a really good 2010. We accomplished a lot, we accumulated a lot. We both had jobs all year long. All things considered it was prodigious.
 
I say this because we accumulated a lot of stuff this year... a lot. A TV, Computer, PS3, Dining room set, Camera, Grill, fire pit, dog... it was an extraoridnary in size year. But, I lost weight to make up for it???
 
And, yet it was wonderful. A house, a vacation, Kyle went back to school, Aidan lost his first tooth, lots of good stuff. Wonderful year.
 
I would like 2011 to be Diligent. I want to get a lot accomplished with school and writing. I want to reach weight loss goals and goals in general. Goals are good things. I'm actually going to sit down and make a list of goals that I want to accomplish this year. Maybe even in my snazzy leather journal that my cousin got me for Christmas. It's awesome.. I have been searching for reasons to use it!! I can keep track of how I do with my goals? Maybe, I don't know. I will find it's purpose though!
 
 
So, starting on January first I am taking my new camera and I am going to be doing a 365 Project. I'm excited. I think it will be an awesome project and something to really focus on. I know I have a lot going on with school and my diet, and being a wife/mom/needy dog owner. But, I feel that it could be soemthing fun and something to help me take my mind off of the unfun stuff. Like school. Plus, any reason to use my camera, right?!?!?!?!
 
Also, I will be hitting the diet super hard again. SUPER hard... we won't discuss my HORRIBLE eating habits since Thanksgiving, but I have put soem weight back on. Not too much, but enough for me to feel yucky about it. So, I'm wanting to join a gym and maybe do some fun classes? I don't know what yet exactly, but something. I know, gotta keep my plate full at all times. I get bored and watch entirely too much tv if I don't have lots going on and keeping me busy.
 
Well, I must go and clean my house for our gathering tonight. Everyone have a safe and happy New Year!

December.. WOW!

So, 2010 is coming to a close. My first year as a married adult, the first year of living in a house, the first year I have actually known what I TRUELY wanted to do and went for it, and the year I lost 25lbs & can fit into a size 16 again. And, the  year of our first real family vacation.

What a year it has been!

I have so much I want to try to do in 2011. I'm going to attempt taking 3 classes, we want to go to Minnesota for Aidan's spring break. A new state and my first airplane ride!

I started doing the HCG thing for about a week right before Thanksgiving and have decided to wait until the new year. I'm back to WW and hopefully that will help keep the Christmas weight at bay. We went hiking this morning and it felt so good. I haven't done that in a long time. We took Monster with us and he had a blast. Kyle and I talked about it and have decided that we will hike every other week and go to church every other week. We just need to find a church in our area that we are both comfortable going too. We will see how that goes.

I'm going to create a goals list for 2011 I think. Just some things that I feel are reachable and will be worth working towards. I don't know what exactly it will include yet, but I have about 24 days to work it out.:-)

We are going to have a New Year's party again this year, so I am pretty excited about that. I love having partys!!

I guess that's really it. I have an essay and  a final to get done!
Have a great week!

New Stories

I figured I could update some of my stories.

Last week I had to write a short-short story... so  here is that one. I know I am going to get crap for how I ended it, but per my instructor I was supposed to leave the reader with questions. So, you end it, tell me what you think happens. I know what I want to happen so I guess I will see if I did a good job setting that up.


From this Day Forward



He pulls me in closer, forehead to forehead we stand. I can feel his breath in my face and his hands as they are rubbing the small of my back. Don’t cry, I say to myself. I have to be strong. I can see his lips move but I can’t hear a word he is saying. I am lost in my own thoughts.


I feel his hands move up and touch my cheek gently. This is it, he’s gonna kiss me; I don’t know what I should do. Will I even be able to kiss him back after all of this? He bends his head down to mine and gently with just a brush of his lips he broke the dam I had built behind my eyes. I can feel the tears rush down my cheeks. I can’t stop it and I can’t stop myself from kissing him back. This could be the last kiss I ever get from him.


He stops kissing me and puts his head up against mine again and stares into my eyes. He brings his hand up to wipe away my tears. Gently I feel the brush of his hand against my face and another tear falls from my eyes. I have to look away, walk away and don’t look back. But, I can’t. I stand there torturing myself longer. I don’t know how to walk away from him, I have never left successfully. With one word he had always brings me running back. But this time, it was him that’s leaving. He is saying good-bye and there is nothing that I can say that will stop him. Why am I wasting my time? He doesn’t care enough to stay, I could leave.


But, my feet won’t move I am just standing there staring in his emerald green eyes wishing he would stay. I know he is going to say it. In a few minutes he’s going to say “Good-Bye” and my world will be over. I can’t stop him; there aren’t enough tears in the world for me to cry that will make him stay. It’s over. I need to face this. But, not now, I can’t. Not while he is physically here in front of me and I can still smell that horrible cologne that he wears even though I hate it. I will love it from this day forward, though.


And, then I hear him say the words I have been dreading for the last month.


“Zoey, it’s time. I have to go.”


With those six words my life has just shattered. I fall to my knees as he’s walking to his car. He doesn’t look back; he can’t bear to see me cry anymore.


As I watch him driving away I know that I will never see my one true love again. I pick myself up off the drive way and go to bed, where I just might spend the rest of my life.



The next one was my midterm, it was 1250 words and I'm not the biggest fan of this story. I think I have done better but my instructor loved it, it's "a little predictable but has a great twist." So enjoy.


Please Stay







“I can’t believe he is doing this to me, I know he isn’t happy with her,” Janette sobbed to her friend, Angelica.



Janette had been having an affair with her boss, Daniel for the last year and a half, until three days ago. Daniel told her that he needed to try to fix things with his wife; they have been together for almost ten years and he owes it to her and their children.



“There is nothing you can do about it, they’re married and have a family together.”



“I know, but he always says he is going to leave her.”



“He might have been telling you that, but that doesn’t mean he is going to do it. I’m sorry you are so upset, Janette, but you have to let it go and move on.”



“I will, it’s just so hard when I have to see him every day. I need some time to myself without thinking about Daniel or this whole mess. I’m gonna go, I think I will just take a bath and relax. I will talk to you later.”



“Ok, but you have to promise me that you won’t call him.”



“I promise. Good night.”



Janette presses end and throws her cell phone in her purse as she pulls her black Nissan Sentra into the parking lot of LA Fitness. She knows Daniel goes to the gym every Monday, Wednesday and Thursday night.



I promised I wouldn’t call him, but I never said anything about not following him, Janette thinks as she turns off her headlights and parks far enough behind Daniel’s car that he won’t see her.



Within a few minutes she sees Daniel walking out in his basketball shorts and cut off shirt. His salt and pepper hair reflects in the dim parking lot lights as he looks up and spots her car. Janette slinks down in the seat of her little car hoping that he didn’t notice. Daniel pulls his cell phone out of the pocket of the jeans he is carrying in his hand and starts to dial as he gets in his car. Janette sits back up and turns on her car, being sure not to turn her headlights on yet.









She follows Daniel to his home, like she has many nights before. She sits outside his house as he goes in and greets his pregnant wife and daughter. Janette pulls her phone out of her purse and hits speed dial. She watches through the window as Daniel pulls his phone out of his pocket, looks at it hits silence. Janette drops her phone and starts to cry again. I don’t understand, he said he was happy with me. Janette pulls away and drives home to her empty apartment.









The next morning Janette makes sure she looks her best. She puts on her black pencil skirt with her favorite blue blouse that makes her blue eyes stand out even more. Her long blonde hair shines and is perfectly in place, he will have to take me back after he sees me today, she assures herself as she walks in the front door to Daniel’s law firm.



“Good morning Daniel,” she smiles as she walks past his office to her desk.



“Good morning Janette,” he replies without looking up from his computer screen, “can you please close my door, I’m very busy today and do not want to be disturbed.”



“Sure,” she snaps.



Hurt, Janette heads to her desk and starts to think about ways to get his attention.



I know, I can email him and ask him to have lunch with me at our favorite restaurant.



Janette pulls up her email and starts to type when in waddles Melinda, Daniel’s 8 month pregnant wife. Even being as pregnant as she is, she’s still beautiful. Janette can’t blame him for marrying her, Melinda was young, a successful pediatrician and a great mother.



“Good morning Janette, is my wonderful husband available? I will only steal him for a moment.”



“Actually he said he is very busy and doesn’t want to be disturbed, so sorry,” Janette tells her with a smirk on her face.



“Oh, well, I’m sure he won’t mind. I have breakfast and the ultrasound pictures, I found out the sex of the baby he will be SO excited. He needs a break anyway.”



“Melinda I really-“ Janette tries to interrupt but Melinda pushes past into Daniel’s office and closes the door.



Great, now I won’t be able to talk to him all day! Feeling rejected she goes down the hall to Angelica’s office for comfort.



“I don’t know what to do, Angelica, she is in there right now. I was going to ask him to go to lunch with me but she got here before I could send the email.”



“You need to stop is what you need to do. Just move on and let it go.”



“I can’t. I love him. I need to be with him. I’m just gonna go in there and tell her what’s going on. She needs to know that he wants to be with me, not her.”



“That’s not a good idea. I know you are hurt, but you aren’t going to win this one.”



“I have to.”



Janette gets up and heads down the hall to Daniel’s office. I can do this. He wants to be with me, not her. She will see. He will see.



Janette barges into Daniel’s office, it’s empty. She hears Daniel’s voice behind her.



“I will be right there, I just have to let Janette know I’m leaving for the day and then we can go celebrate.”



“You’re leaving for the day? You can’t. What about how busy you are?”



“It’s fine. It can wait; I’m going to celebrate with my wife. We are having a boy. This is great news. Please let everyone know I will be back tomorrow. Thanks Janette.”



“Wait! How can you act like this to me? Like nothing has happened? I want to talk to you.”



“What are you talking about Janette?” Daniel looks at her confused.



“About us.”



“There is no us. There never has been, and there never will be. I don’t know where you got this idea, but you need to stop. I know you followed me home last night from the gym and I know you called me. Seriously, this needs to stop.”



“What do you mean there never was. What about the last year and half? What about the trip to San Antonio?”



“Honey, are you coming?” Melinda asks walking up with her radiant smile.



“Yes, just a moment. I was just letting Janette know that we are leaving.”



“Melinda, I don’t know how to tell you this, but Daniel has been having an affair. With me,” Janette blurts out.



“Daniel, I thought you said you were going to take care of this situation?”



“I am, I placed the call this morning, that’s what I was doing right before you got here.”



“What are you guys talking about? Did you not hear what I just said? He was having an affair with me!”



“Janette, we know about your condition. Your sister Angelica told me the other day. You need to get help, I called the hospital.”



Just then Angelica came walking down the hall, “I’m so sorry Janette. I thought you were better.”



“I don’t know what you are talking about, I don’t even have a sister,” Janette cried.