I Can Conquer the World: Confessions of an Emotional Journey

Disclaimer: In leiu of my usual snarky and sarcastic writting I'm going to be real with you. I'm going to tell you things that I normally only admitt to those closest to me.

I was 282 pounds... I can't believe I just admitted that to the internet. This morning  I stepped on the scale and all of the usual thoughts ran through my head like: I shouldn't have ate that yesterday, did I gain, did I lose? Am I going to have to be extra careful today? Then the little digital piece of glass that is the cause of so much of my joy and heartbreak said 256.2 and I cried. That's not normal for me.  It was a relief. Maybe because I can't remember the last time that I saw that number on the scale or because I am PMSing. Either way I am happy. I haven't lost a whole lot, but it has been a very long and slow journey.

I have been doing this completely on my own source of self control. It is hard. I'm not saying people who get weight loss surgeries or any other form of diet don't have it hard. My best friend had a weight loss surgery and I have seen her struggle just as much as I have and I know it is hard. Each person has their own journey and their own struggles. For me, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am usually a quitter. At everything. I am not quitting this. I know that the fact that I am the size I am is because of me. I made myself this way. I was lazy,  ate entirely too much junk food and well... there isn't much else to say. This is why I am doing this. If I could make myself this way, I can fix it. I want to fix it. I want to know in the end that I did this. I struggled, blood, sweat (LOTS of sweat) and tears. I have cried  over how grossed out I am by myself, I have cried over being happy, I have cried tears of pure frustration. I want the day I cry because I am so proud of myself that I can't stand it. I know I have come so far from where I was. I am proud that I have done this. I am proud that I have been able to make this change and that I am sticking to it.

I had a very real moment with myself a few months back where I looked at myself and was utterly disgusted and scared at the same time. All of the health problems I am watching my mom go through has  lit a fire under my ass. Her health problems are not because of weight, but she is still too young to deal with these things. I don't want to be in the same boat. I would be the reason for it. I want to live a healthy life. I want to run and play with my kid. I want to teach Monster that you need to take care of your body and your health. This is it. You don't get another one. Take care of it.

My name is Kassie and I am a junk food addict. Another thing I can't believe I am admitting to the internet. Yes, this is a real addiction. No, I am not a doctor and no I didn't go to a doctor to be diagnosed with this. But, I am telling you I am 100% certain that I have a junk food addiction. Right down to the fact that I was and still could be a closet eater. I haven't done it in a very long time, since I realized that was I was doing was self destructive. When I say I was a closet eater.. I mean it. Sneaking candy, cupcakes anything. I still have the potential to be that way. Once I eat that first brownie eating a second or third is nothing. I can shove them in my mouth and walk away without saying a word to anyone. I am utterly disgusted with myself right now for even saying that out loud. These are things that I normally only think. I know that by airing out there for whoever happens to stumble across this in the internet world will help.

Now, I go to the gym as much as I can. I watch what I eat and if I want to eat junk food I tell someone I am going to eat it. I'm not kidding. I can't tell you how many times I have said to Kyle, I am going to eat... (insert something I shouldn't eat here) and he looks at me and says ok. To other people it may seem petty but for me, this is my checks and balances. It keeps me from hiding things. It makes me accountable.

I was laying in bed last night and was surprised by how much smaller my stomach felt.  It's unreal and bizarre to me. I may not look smaller to most people, but I can feel the difference. That's what matters to me.

I have learned a lot about myself through this. One being that I am strong. Emotionally and physically. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am sticking this out, even though people don't think I can or sometimes I feel like I don't get the support and feedback that I need. I am not someone to go looking for compliments or hoping someone will say something to me. I'm not kicking my ass for anyone but me. But, it is nice to hear praise and encouragement. Kyle has been awesome. He makes me go to the gym on days I normally wouldn't, he tells me that he is proud of me when I work out for an  hour or I do something that I didn't think I could. He is an amazing husband and supporter. As well as Heather. I coudn't do this without either of you, so thank you.

And with these tears.. I will go. Time to go get myself in a bathing suit and party for my nephew's 4th birthday.

Thank you again everyone.


Judgy McJudgerson

We all do it. Even if you say you don't... you have.

It might be about the bum on the corner, your neighbor (although I know my neighbor is a basket case; that is a whole different post), someone you work with, or even someone in your family (I have some fruit cakes there too). You make snap judgements or have certain opinions about them and their life. The thing about it is, you never know what they are going through. People don't always tell everyone their whole story. No matter how close you are, there is always something they aren't telling you. There is one person in this world that I tell absolutely everything too. Half of the time he isn't listening to me... but I do tell him everything. He is the one person that I know that won't judge me.

"Oh my God, she got implants? What a whore!" You don't know if she had one terribly deformed boob, or if it was just because she could. Who cares! It isn't your place to say anything.

"Wow, that cashier was such a bitch!" Maybe her fish died, or she just found out her husband was cheating on her. Give her time.. it isn't your place to say something.

"That guy was standing there begging for money. He didn't look homeless to me. He should go get a job." For this there are so many options. I know standing and begging for money is ludicrous, but you don't know his situation. I have given a bum money before. I felt truly bad for him as I'm was drinking my Starbucks in my air conditioned car and he's standing on the corner in his ripped up clothes and drinking a half bottle of water that the car in front of me gave him. So, I rolled down my window and gave him a $5.  Maybe he went and bought booze with it, but that was  his decision.

I'm guilty. I will come right out and tell you right now, I judge people all the time. I know it's wrong... I know I shouldn't. Not because God or the Bible says so, but because as a human being I know how it feels to be judged. It hurts. I get judged because I'm a fat girl. I should have high cholesterol, zero endurance to do aerobics and be super weak. Well, I'm telling you right now, my blood pressure and cholesterol are outstanding, I'm able to do aerobic activity much longer than most skinny girls and I'm super strong. People make judgements off of nothing. It's annoying and unkind.

My point is just to say this. Before you say something about the girl with her cleavage hanging out, the guy with the sign, the ratty haired lady in line at the store, your bad attitude having co worker or the person in your family making terrible decisions; think about it. Maybe you don't know the whole story. You aren't perfect either. Sometimes situations make us do things that are out of character.