Shizz is getting real.....

The app on my phone says 13 days until we leave.. holly F-bombs where did the time go??

I'm sitting in my garage... in the heat mind you, watching people rummage through my stuff. Trying to get me to sell it to them cheaper. This is my stuff.... all of these things that have some sort of value to me. It's weird to sit here while this happens.

My house is getting emptier by the day. The boxes are piling up.

I still feel overwhelming excitement for the upcoming adventure. I am also starting to feel sad. Sad to be  leaving my best friend and her adorable babies. My family, Kyle's family that is here. My job and the people, okay mostly the people. I can do my job anywhere, accounting is pretty standard across the board. But, for the first time EVER I LOVE my boss. I love the majority of the people I work with. That's something.  I don't regret my decision to leave. I think the realization is starting to set in though. The change is enormous. It's also what I wanted. So, there's that.

I'm not delusional, I know once we get there and the excitement of it wears off I will be homesick. Arizona is the only place I have ever lived. However, I won't miss the consistent brown everywhere. Seriously... the ground is brown, the houses are brown, most of the trees are brownish. Who said... "HEY, let's camouflage everything to match the surrounding nature!"?? Why? I really mean, why? Let's get some color up in here!!! Green is AWESOME! I like green. I can't wait to see it everywhere.

But first, I gotta sell this stuff. Like really. I wish people would just show up and buy it all. I remember this being fun as a kid. As an adult in Arizona when it is 90 something outside, this is not fun... in any shape or form.


It's a Trilogy not a chapter.

    Driving home from work yesterday, I felt sad about moving for the first time since this whirlwind began. I'm generally pretty emotional and can get very nostalgic. I haven't felt any of that yet. I'm not naive enough to think that it wasn't going to happen. I know me. There will be enough tears to fill a lake. Not just before I leave. It will be before, during AND after. Where people often misunderstand is that you can be sad about a chapter ending, and happy about the new one beginning. Even if I feel more like this is a book coming to an end. Oooooh, maybe my life is more like a Trilogy series. I love those. This book is over, and now it's time for the second. Yes! I like that analogy better. Same protagonists but new antagonists. A whole BUNCH of new chapters. 

    Ugh, what is with me and getting carried away with analogies lately? 

    So, yes... That was all I really wanted to say. I was sad for the first time about moving. It made me think about what's to come and how I'm going to be sad a lot more in the future. It doesn't mean it should stay. It just means that a lot of memories have been made here, I have connections here and I think Arizona will always be "home". 


A New Current

Stagnant: (of a body of water or the atmosphere of a confined space) having no current or flow and often having an unpleasant smell as a consequence

My life is stagnant. I feel like I am going nowhere - maybe I should say I felt like I was going nowhere. Every day was the same. My surroundings were the same.

I have lived in Arizona my whole life. Cactus, dirt, Palo Verde trees, palm trees (which are not native to Arizona, but can endure the blazing sun enough to survive). I have always dreamed of experiencing life somewhere else. I have never really travelled anywhere else to visit even (CA, NV, TX & MN). I've never been to the east coast. I don't even know what life is like outside the desert.

I'm about to find out.

There is a river that is going to start flowing into this stagnant lake. The life will be revived, the fish have new places to explore. It is exciting.

This doesn't come without consequence though. The other fish in this lake are not excited about the change. You see, fish simply do not leave this school. They are born here, stay here, and die here. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that - for them. For this particular fish, I want to spread my fins and explore.

Okay, enough with the analogies.

I know I have always been different. I'm not like my family. I'm more creative, open minded, curious, maybe even a tad more rebellious. I like to do things that are out of the norm. I like to experience life, not just float idly by. This change in the never changing lives of theirs is rocking things like never before. I moved away once before - mind you it was still in the state and only 230mi away, not 1232. Like I said - I have always been curious.

I just don't see myself staying here. I feel like in order to truly be whomever I am meant to be I need to leave. How will I ever know my true potential if I don't make changes and pursue other things? Maybe this is selfish. Then so be it. I am usually not selfish. I change my life to accommodate others. I can't this time. The "what if" will not be "what if I lived somewhere else".

People grow, they change, they move away, and sometimes they come back. I'm not sure what I will find in TX, or where life will take me after this - I do know that this what I am supposed to be doing.


Your Crazy is Worth It

You hope that by the time you are 30 you would have your life together. Most, like myself, are responsible for the well being of another human life. You don’t want to mess them up. You want to give them a better life than you had. So, you try and try and try to do things “right”. Who can truly say what “right” is? Taking them on family vacations, and spending more time with them than your parents did - is that right? Obviously, in some ways it is. But, is that keeping them from still getting the same emotional issues that you have? The abandonment issues, the communication problems, the lack of showing emotions, keeping people out so they don’t realize what a mess you really are. Is that something that you can prevent your kids from getting… just by taking them on vacations? I don’t know… I don’t have it figured out. Does any one?     
            I know my monster has abandonment issues – like I do. I’ve been told it’s a subconscious thing. It stems from the lack of a biological parents presence. The feeling of not being wanted – even before you are able to realize that wasn’t exactly how it went down. It still gets to you, no matter how you fight it. I didn’t want him to be affected by my bad choices as a young 20 something, rebellious girl. Inevitably, he was – even with a good man raising him that he loves more than me on some days. 
            So, what is the reason for this long-winded cluster fuck of words? So much. So, so much.  My issues came to surface over this last week. Not intentionally. Not by any means on purpose. I got to thinking about my biological father, which resulted in some Facebook stalking. Oh how we all love to Facebook stalk. Watch out, it can lead to some unresolved issues. I then proceeded to get  in touch with these family members – which leads to  more emotional issues… and here I am. After, a week of fighting it and trying to not be affected by it, to not be cranky, to not let it show. Today, the damns broke, today I let myself feel.
            I met him a couple times, about 11-12 years ago. I was in my “Mike Phase” as I like to call it. The time when I was “hard”. I was not me. My mom has even told me that I have never been the same person I was before him. I don’t think I could be. I was so young before him. I experienced a lot of stuff during that time. Things  I never thought I would do, or say, or… there are too  many or’s for this. That phase of my life is a whole different set of emotional trauma and I like to keep those locked in a different vault. I forgot the combination as well. I don’t want to rehash that. Back to my “daddy issues”. I don’t think I gave myself the appropriate amount of time to process what a BIG ordeal it really was meeting my biological father. I had spent 10 year or so wondering about this man. Wondering about why he didn’t want to be a part of my life. If he thought about me. Why he didn’t look for me? As a parent now, I don’t know if it is really different for mom’s than it is dad’s, I would go to the ends of the earth and back if I knew I had a kid out there somewhere. Eminem’s song Headlight’s comes to mind, that song is really getting to me lately.

“But I'd have flipped every mattress, every rock and desert cactus
Own a collection of maps and followed my kids to the edge of the atlas
Someone ever moved them from me? That you coulda bet your asses
If I had to come down the chimney dressed as Santa, kidnap them.”

I don’t know what prevented me from asking those questions. The “I don’t give a shit” attitude I possessed at the time, fear of knowing the truth, or the awkward feeling of the whole situation. Maybe all three. Either way, I was left with a lot of unaddressed feelings.  I stopped talking to him, or he stopped talking to me – I don’t know which. We lost contact after a couple years. Fast forward to today. I had a two-hour conversation with this man earlier this week. I don’t think I have ever had a two-hour conversation with my dad. No, I take that back… I spent a whole day talking to my dad after my step mom died. We talked about a lot of stuff – that left me pretty fucked up and emotional then too. I just don’t deal with talking to my dad’s very well. I guess I wouldn’t. I have said multiple times, maybe because I think it will change the more I think about it, I don’t know how to have a normal “father figure” in my life. I see these girls that idolize their dad’s. These amazing relationships. I have always wanted that. My. Whole. Life. I always envisioned my dad walking me down the aisle (which he did), the father daughter dance (which I got). It was nothing like what I expected though. It was awkward. Maybe it was for other people too. I don’t know. To say the relationship I have with my dad is and has always been rocky is an understatement. Maybe even the understatement of the century. I don’t know what I want. From my dad or my biological father. I don’t know what I expect to get from either of them. I think at this point in my life there isn’t much I can. It was needed in those crucial developmental years. The years that teach a girl how a man should treat a woman. Maybe then it wouldn’t have taken me so long to learn what I was worth.  Maybe if they were both around more I wouldn’t push the people who love me the most away because I don’t feel like my crazy is something they should deal with.  I don’t know, and I never will. Either way, I need to figure out what I want from here on out.
Now that I am a little more stable, and I use that word loosely, I am forced to deal with these feelings. They are making me feel quite unstable.  It’s funny how things come back. Not even just those things, but they force you to evaluate life in more ways than you ever wanted. You have to deal with feelings you never wanted to deal with. Even make you forgive things you never thought you would or could. If I could just deal with the feelings that I want and push the others off for a later date maybe I wouldn’t feel quite as crazy.

            Then there are the questions that I don’t know how to answer, no matter how hard I try. What am I wanting from all of this and what did I expect? I don’t know.