It seems like I am at the age where everyone is having kids or already has kids. With this comes so many different parenting styles. I have witnessed the over bearing, sanitize everything the baby touches parents to the "eh, a little dirt don't hurt". When in reality the binki probably just rolled in dog poo, but no biggie right? I'd like to think that I was somewhere in the middle. Somewhere in the I love my child enough to worry but not freak out style. Maybe I freaked out, a little? I don't really remember. That was a very stressful time. I think I missed a lot of Monster's good times. I look at pictures and can remember, but I wish I would have been more present. Less worried about what I was going to do to make my relationship work. More worried about documenting every smile, laugh and tear that graced his beautiful face. I wish I could have those years engraved in my brain. I guess that's part of the problem with being such a young mother. I wasn't done growing up myself.
We want to have a baby. I want to have a baby so badly I think it hurts at times. Maybe that is why I'm not getting pregnant. I need to just relax and wait for it to happen.
If I don't, I will still be beyond blessed with the monster that I do have. Being able to love such an amazing little boy is enough for me. He truely is amazing. He is so loving and sweet, the poor boy wears his heart on his sleeve 24 hours a day. I'm worried about him as he gets older. How sensitive he is & how intune to my emotions he is. We all know I am an emotional nutcase. I just don't ever want him to worry that I am pinning my happiness on him, because I'm not. That is a lot for such a young boy to carry. I want him to feel free to be who he is and go where his heart takes him knowing that I will always be here and will always love him. Being a mom is so much harder than I ever imagined.
As I get older I am realizing so much more about me, my strengths & weaknesses. More about being a mom, more about being a woman, and just more in general.
One day I hope to have it all under control. But for now, I just want to enjoy the ride.
7.29.2010
7.23.2010
The Spiraling Pool of Nonsense that is My Brain
There are so many things that go on in my head. I think constantly. Non Stop. It drives me insane at times. I have a problem with putting it verbally in words.. or sometimes in words at all.
So here I go.. it might not make a lot of sense. Or sense at all.
I guess somewhere along the lines of 16 and 27 I never realized I was growing up. In a lot of ways I don't feel any different. Is this a problem? I guess it could be depending on how you look at it. I always think, "I don't have to worry about that right now. I have so much time left." That's why when I sit and think about how old I am and that really I'm not much different than I was, career wise, when I graduated high school ,that it freaks me out a bit. I feel like so many of my friends from high school have become real adults. And, here I am playing house. I remember when I was in elementary school playing "teenagers" with one of my friends. It reminds me a lot of my life right now, except I am in charge of raising a kid. But, then when I think about it more I'm like "Why am I freaking out? I'm only 27!" I don't know. There are so many things that stress me out, I wonder how relevant any of it is.
I never know what emotions I feel. I often wonder if I'm actually feeling anything at all, or if I think, "This is how I'm supposed to feel. So, maybe I should say that's what I am feeling." Am I the only person that is like this? Is this normal? What is normal? Here I am again. Not knowing how to translate what's in my head through my fingers. Or, to anything.
What's a real wife or woman supposed to be like? I see so many woman that I truly admire and wonder if I could ever be like them. They seem so put together and competent. And, I feel like I am a fish out of water just flopping around doing what I think I am supposed to do. Or, sometimes not even what I think I'm supposed to do, because I am sick of doing that. I am always wondering what other people are thinking about me.We had Kyle's brother and his wife over for dinner last night. And, honest to God, I stressed about making dinner just right. Doing dishes as soon as we were done eating, just so they thought I was a good wife to him. I really worry that much. That can't be normal. Why does it matter to me so much what other people think? Why does it bother me so much that it bothers me?
I have ran across some random blogs that I now read a lot. It really inspires me to go after my dream of writing. I love to write, I love to read, I love words. I don't know if I could ever do it. I get scared of failing and not being able to do something. Maybe that's another reason why I have never finished school for anything, and why I don't pursue anything more than the job I am in. But, I want to write. I feel like if I actually tried I could probably be good at it. What would I write? I have no freakin' clue. I don't have an interesting life or anything that would really draw much attention. But, I could find something I am sure.
I warned you that it probably wouldn't make sense. And, yet I still don't feel like I have said everything that is on my mind. But, I don't know how to say what's in there. I'm still thinking. Still feeling like something is bothering me, but I don't know what it is. I am restless lately. I have this nagging feeling that something is gonna happen, or should happen, or maybe has already happened? I don't know. Just something. Maybe I need a change? Something isn't right, somewhere.
I know one thing that is really bugging me lately. I know entirely too many people that should not procreate that are. I probably know 5 people that are pregnant right now. None of which should be allowed to raise children. I don't get it. How can it be possible that people who shouldn't be having babies, are the only ones that are? It is not looking good for future generations, at all.
I guess I could close this out now. Kyle will be home from work soon.
So here I go.. it might not make a lot of sense. Or sense at all.
I guess somewhere along the lines of 16 and 27 I never realized I was growing up. In a lot of ways I don't feel any different. Is this a problem? I guess it could be depending on how you look at it. I always think, "I don't have to worry about that right now. I have so much time left." That's why when I sit and think about how old I am and that really I'm not much different than I was, career wise, when I graduated high school ,that it freaks me out a bit. I feel like so many of my friends from high school have become real adults. And, here I am playing house. I remember when I was in elementary school playing "teenagers" with one of my friends. It reminds me a lot of my life right now, except I am in charge of raising a kid. But, then when I think about it more I'm like "Why am I freaking out? I'm only 27!" I don't know. There are so many things that stress me out, I wonder how relevant any of it is.
I never know what emotions I feel. I often wonder if I'm actually feeling anything at all, or if I think, "This is how I'm supposed to feel. So, maybe I should say that's what I am feeling." Am I the only person that is like this? Is this normal? What is normal? Here I am again. Not knowing how to translate what's in my head through my fingers. Or, to anything.
What's a real wife or woman supposed to be like? I see so many woman that I truly admire and wonder if I could ever be like them. They seem so put together and competent. And, I feel like I am a fish out of water just flopping around doing what I think I am supposed to do. Or, sometimes not even what I think I'm supposed to do, because I am sick of doing that. I am always wondering what other people are thinking about me.We had Kyle's brother and his wife over for dinner last night. And, honest to God, I stressed about making dinner just right. Doing dishes as soon as we were done eating, just so they thought I was a good wife to him. I really worry that much. That can't be normal. Why does it matter to me so much what other people think? Why does it bother me so much that it bothers me?
I have ran across some random blogs that I now read a lot. It really inspires me to go after my dream of writing. I love to write, I love to read, I love words. I don't know if I could ever do it. I get scared of failing and not being able to do something. Maybe that's another reason why I have never finished school for anything, and why I don't pursue anything more than the job I am in. But, I want to write. I feel like if I actually tried I could probably be good at it. What would I write? I have no freakin' clue. I don't have an interesting life or anything that would really draw much attention. But, I could find something I am sure.
I warned you that it probably wouldn't make sense. And, yet I still don't feel like I have said everything that is on my mind. But, I don't know how to say what's in there. I'm still thinking. Still feeling like something is bothering me, but I don't know what it is. I am restless lately. I have this nagging feeling that something is gonna happen, or should happen, or maybe has already happened? I don't know. Just something. Maybe I need a change? Something isn't right, somewhere.
I know one thing that is really bugging me lately. I know entirely too many people that should not procreate that are. I probably know 5 people that are pregnant right now. None of which should be allowed to raise children. I don't get it. How can it be possible that people who shouldn't be having babies, are the only ones that are? It is not looking good for future generations, at all.
I guess I could close this out now. Kyle will be home from work soon.
7.02.2010
Its been awhile.. and I think I'm more crazy than ever.
Yes, I know... it has been like 5 billion weeks since I have posted anything. But, seriously I have lost my mind and should be comitted. On the plus side, I leave for San Antonio in 3 days and I am officially on vacation since 2:56pm today. So, maybe by the time I get back from vacation some of my sanity will be restored. :-)
My weight loss has been going pretty good. Almost to 8lbs. Which I might add is a pretty big feat for myself. I am running every other day and doing the shred in between (most days anyway. We won't discuss this week, insanity remember?).
School is another subject that should be omitted in the update. Just putting it out there.
I have realized that my poor son is just as clumsy as I am. He is hopeless in this matter. :-(
So, other than that... everything is pretty normal.
My weight loss has been going pretty good. Almost to 8lbs. Which I might add is a pretty big feat for myself. I am running every other day and doing the shred in between (most days anyway. We won't discuss this week, insanity remember?).
School is another subject that should be omitted in the update. Just putting it out there.
I have realized that my poor son is just as clumsy as I am. He is hopeless in this matter. :-(
So, other than that... everything is pretty normal.
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