It seems like I am at the age where everyone is having kids or already has kids. With this comes so many different parenting styles. I have witnessed the over bearing, sanitize everything the baby touches parents to the "eh, a little dirt don't hurt". When in reality the binki probably just rolled in dog poo, but no biggie right? I'd like to think that I was somewhere in the middle. Somewhere in the I love my child enough to worry but not freak out style. Maybe I freaked out, a little? I don't really remember. That was a very stressful time. I think I missed a lot of Monster's good times. I look at pictures and can remember, but I wish I would have been more present. Less worried about what I was going to do to make my relationship work. More worried about documenting every smile, laugh and tear that graced his beautiful face. I wish I could have those years engraved in my brain. I guess that's part of the problem with being such a young mother. I wasn't done growing up myself.
We want to have a baby. I want to have a baby so badly I think it hurts at times. Maybe that is why I'm not getting pregnant. I need to just relax and wait for it to happen.
If I don't, I will still be beyond blessed with the monster that I do have. Being able to love such an amazing little boy is enough for me. He truely is amazing. He is so loving and sweet, the poor boy wears his heart on his sleeve 24 hours a day. I'm worried about him as he gets older. How sensitive he is & how intune to my emotions he is. We all know I am an emotional nutcase. I just don't ever want him to worry that I am pinning my happiness on him, because I'm not. That is a lot for such a young boy to carry. I want him to feel free to be who he is and go where his heart takes him knowing that I will always be here and will always love him. Being a mom is so much harder than I ever imagined.
As I get older I am realizing so much more about me, my strengths & weaknesses. More about being a mom, more about being a woman, and just more in general.
One day I hope to have it all under control. But for now, I just want to enjoy the ride.