Shizz is getting real.....

The app on my phone says 13 days until we leave.. holly F-bombs where did the time go??

I'm sitting in my garage... in the heat mind you, watching people rummage through my stuff. Trying to get me to sell it to them cheaper. This is my stuff.... all of these things that have some sort of value to me. It's weird to sit here while this happens.

My house is getting emptier by the day. The boxes are piling up.

I still feel overwhelming excitement for the upcoming adventure. I am also starting to feel sad. Sad to be  leaving my best friend and her adorable babies. My family, Kyle's family that is here. My job and the people, okay mostly the people. I can do my job anywhere, accounting is pretty standard across the board. But, for the first time EVER I LOVE my boss. I love the majority of the people I work with. That's something.  I don't regret my decision to leave. I think the realization is starting to set in though. The change is enormous. It's also what I wanted. So, there's that.

I'm not delusional, I know once we get there and the excitement of it wears off I will be homesick. Arizona is the only place I have ever lived. However, I won't miss the consistent brown everywhere. Seriously... the ground is brown, the houses are brown, most of the trees are brownish. Who said... "HEY, let's camouflage everything to match the surrounding nature!"?? Why? I really mean, why? Let's get some color up in here!!! Green is AWESOME! I like green. I can't wait to see it everywhere.

But first, I gotta sell this stuff. Like really. I wish people would just show up and buy it all. I remember this being fun as a kid. As an adult in Arizona when it is 90 something outside, this is not fun... in any shape or form.


It's a Trilogy not a chapter.

    Driving home from work yesterday, I felt sad about moving for the first time since this whirlwind began. I'm generally pretty emotional and can get very nostalgic. I haven't felt any of that yet. I'm not naive enough to think that it wasn't going to happen. I know me. There will be enough tears to fill a lake. Not just before I leave. It will be before, during AND after. Where people often misunderstand is that you can be sad about a chapter ending, and happy about the new one beginning. Even if I feel more like this is a book coming to an end. Oooooh, maybe my life is more like a Trilogy series. I love those. This book is over, and now it's time for the second. Yes! I like that analogy better. Same protagonists but new antagonists. A whole BUNCH of new chapters. 

    Ugh, what is with me and getting carried away with analogies lately? 

    So, yes... That was all I really wanted to say. I was sad for the first time about moving. It made me think about what's to come and how I'm going to be sad a lot more in the future. It doesn't mean it should stay. It just means that a lot of memories have been made here, I have connections here and I think Arizona will always be "home". 


A New Current

Stagnant: (of a body of water or the atmosphere of a confined space) having no current or flow and often having an unpleasant smell as a consequence

My life is stagnant. I feel like I am going nowhere - maybe I should say I felt like I was going nowhere. Every day was the same. My surroundings were the same.

I have lived in Arizona my whole life. Cactus, dirt, Palo Verde trees, palm trees (which are not native to Arizona, but can endure the blazing sun enough to survive). I have always dreamed of experiencing life somewhere else. I have never really travelled anywhere else to visit even (CA, NV, TX & MN). I've never been to the east coast. I don't even know what life is like outside the desert.

I'm about to find out.

There is a river that is going to start flowing into this stagnant lake. The life will be revived, the fish have new places to explore. It is exciting.

This doesn't come without consequence though. The other fish in this lake are not excited about the change. You see, fish simply do not leave this school. They are born here, stay here, and die here. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that - for them. For this particular fish, I want to spread my fins and explore.

Okay, enough with the analogies.

I know I have always been different. I'm not like my family. I'm more creative, open minded, curious, maybe even a tad more rebellious. I like to do things that are out of the norm. I like to experience life, not just float idly by. This change in the never changing lives of theirs is rocking things like never before. I moved away once before - mind you it was still in the state and only 230mi away, not 1232. Like I said - I have always been curious.

I just don't see myself staying here. I feel like in order to truly be whomever I am meant to be I need to leave. How will I ever know my true potential if I don't make changes and pursue other things? Maybe this is selfish. Then so be it. I am usually not selfish. I change my life to accommodate others. I can't this time. The "what if" will not be "what if I lived somewhere else".

People grow, they change, they move away, and sometimes they come back. I'm not sure what I will find in TX, or where life will take me after this - I do know that this what I am supposed to be doing.


Your Crazy is Worth It

You hope that by the time you are 30 you would have your life together. Most, like myself, are responsible for the well being of another human life. You don’t want to mess them up. You want to give them a better life than you had. So, you try and try and try to do things “right”. Who can truly say what “right” is? Taking them on family vacations, and spending more time with them than your parents did - is that right? Obviously, in some ways it is. But, is that keeping them from still getting the same emotional issues that you have? The abandonment issues, the communication problems, the lack of showing emotions, keeping people out so they don’t realize what a mess you really are. Is that something that you can prevent your kids from getting… just by taking them on vacations? I don’t know… I don’t have it figured out. Does any one?     
            I know my monster has abandonment issues – like I do. I’ve been told it’s a subconscious thing. It stems from the lack of a biological parents presence. The feeling of not being wanted – even before you are able to realize that wasn’t exactly how it went down. It still gets to you, no matter how you fight it. I didn’t want him to be affected by my bad choices as a young 20 something, rebellious girl. Inevitably, he was – even with a good man raising him that he loves more than me on some days. 
            So, what is the reason for this long-winded cluster fuck of words? So much. So, so much.  My issues came to surface over this last week. Not intentionally. Not by any means on purpose. I got to thinking about my biological father, which resulted in some Facebook stalking. Oh how we all love to Facebook stalk. Watch out, it can lead to some unresolved issues. I then proceeded to get  in touch with these family members – which leads to  more emotional issues… and here I am. After, a week of fighting it and trying to not be affected by it, to not be cranky, to not let it show. Today, the damns broke, today I let myself feel.
            I met him a couple times, about 11-12 years ago. I was in my “Mike Phase” as I like to call it. The time when I was “hard”. I was not me. My mom has even told me that I have never been the same person I was before him. I don’t think I could be. I was so young before him. I experienced a lot of stuff during that time. Things  I never thought I would do, or say, or… there are too  many or’s for this. That phase of my life is a whole different set of emotional trauma and I like to keep those locked in a different vault. I forgot the combination as well. I don’t want to rehash that. Back to my “daddy issues”. I don’t think I gave myself the appropriate amount of time to process what a BIG ordeal it really was meeting my biological father. I had spent 10 year or so wondering about this man. Wondering about why he didn’t want to be a part of my life. If he thought about me. Why he didn’t look for me? As a parent now, I don’t know if it is really different for mom’s than it is dad’s, I would go to the ends of the earth and back if I knew I had a kid out there somewhere. Eminem’s song Headlight’s comes to mind, that song is really getting to me lately.

“But I'd have flipped every mattress, every rock and desert cactus
Own a collection of maps and followed my kids to the edge of the atlas
Someone ever moved them from me? That you coulda bet your asses
If I had to come down the chimney dressed as Santa, kidnap them.”

I don’t know what prevented me from asking those questions. The “I don’t give a shit” attitude I possessed at the time, fear of knowing the truth, or the awkward feeling of the whole situation. Maybe all three. Either way, I was left with a lot of unaddressed feelings.  I stopped talking to him, or he stopped talking to me – I don’t know which. We lost contact after a couple years. Fast forward to today. I had a two-hour conversation with this man earlier this week. I don’t think I have ever had a two-hour conversation with my dad. No, I take that back… I spent a whole day talking to my dad after my step mom died. We talked about a lot of stuff – that left me pretty fucked up and emotional then too. I just don’t deal with talking to my dad’s very well. I guess I wouldn’t. I have said multiple times, maybe because I think it will change the more I think about it, I don’t know how to have a normal “father figure” in my life. I see these girls that idolize their dad’s. These amazing relationships. I have always wanted that. My. Whole. Life. I always envisioned my dad walking me down the aisle (which he did), the father daughter dance (which I got). It was nothing like what I expected though. It was awkward. Maybe it was for other people too. I don’t know. To say the relationship I have with my dad is and has always been rocky is an understatement. Maybe even the understatement of the century. I don’t know what I want. From my dad or my biological father. I don’t know what I expect to get from either of them. I think at this point in my life there isn’t much I can. It was needed in those crucial developmental years. The years that teach a girl how a man should treat a woman. Maybe then it wouldn’t have taken me so long to learn what I was worth.  Maybe if they were both around more I wouldn’t push the people who love me the most away because I don’t feel like my crazy is something they should deal with.  I don’t know, and I never will. Either way, I need to figure out what I want from here on out.
Now that I am a little more stable, and I use that word loosely, I am forced to deal with these feelings. They are making me feel quite unstable.  It’s funny how things come back. Not even just those things, but they force you to evaluate life in more ways than you ever wanted. You have to deal with feelings you never wanted to deal with. Even make you forgive things you never thought you would or could. If I could just deal with the feelings that I want and push the others off for a later date maybe I wouldn’t feel quite as crazy.

            Then there are the questions that I don’t know how to answer, no matter how hard I try. What am I wanting from all of this and what did I expect? I don’t know.


Writing used to be my thing...

It feels like the more I try to do something the busier I am. Also, laziness is the devil.

Lots to post about... more than likely won't get to it all. I wish I had more time and patience to do it all. Sitting and writing can be so incredibly therapeutic.

Classes started this week. I am 10 credits (after this semester) away from my associates. It feels like I have been in school for an eternity. What am I going to do with this degree? Hell if I know! Celebrate that I actually got somewhere finally! I have considered getting my bachelor's in accounting or business management or some BS, do I want to do that forever... absolutely not. It would be good though, I could stay at WM and actually have some sort of career. It sounds completely bland an boring.

My classes this semester are pretty cool though. I'm taking introduction to religion. I think I might actually like this class. It's something I know nothing about, which is always awesome. I'm being serious, in case you are wondering. I really like learning about religion, who would have thought?

Ah yes, on to th important stuff. We got a GREAT DANE.. almost a year ago.. but it has been over a year since I posted. He's amazing... and beautiful... and smart... and giant.

People that have Danes are like this weird community. Also, people who have never seen a Dane treat you like a freak and insist on asking where his saddle is. I would like to have another one. Kyle said not right  now. Ha ha I love him to death though. Great Danes are by far the best dogs ever. I used to think I wanted a pack of English Bulldogs.. now I think I want a pack of English Bulldogs and Danes! Ha ha

We also went to Disneyland last summer for a vacation. No vacation this summer though. It has been a really, really lazy summer in our house. We went to a lot of baseball games and movies. It is nice sometimes to take a break from all of the chaos, but when I think back or look at pictures from our past vacations I feel like we really missed out this year.

My favorite time of year is coming! FALL!!! Salted caramel fraps/lattes at Starbucks, cooler weather (eventually), football, Halloween and sibling Thanksgiving. We missed out last year.. everyone was kind of off doing their own things... but not this year. It's at our house! I love it. I love having people over. I love planning things. I'm already thinking about different breakfasts I can make, since Aidan and I will be off the whole week of Thanksgiving and hopefully Kyle will too! I want to just enjoy that week. 9 days of no work. How amazing will that be. Less than 90 days!

Along with sucking at writing I have sucked at going to the gym. Seriously, it has been probably 2  months since I have been to the gym. I got my new job about 3 months ago and have gone maybe 3x. I have gained almost all of the weight I lost back and am seriously depressed by this. I know I need to get my ass back in gear and get in the gym again. We shall see how that goes. It's a struggle.. and a battle.. and it's all on me. This isn't one of those things that I can blame on other people. Unfortunately.

I wish I had something really profound to end this with other than this was possibly the lamest update in blog history. I hope maybe my next post won't be in over a year and will have more substance. I think it might. The weather is cooling down and I will get to be outside more. It's awesome to sit on my patio and write; like I am right now. It makes me feel like I migt be doing something worthwhile. Not sitting on the couch staring at the TV. Even if Dexter is amazing this season, and The Newsroom is equally amazing. I like using my brain.. and being outdoors.

Until next time..


I Can Conquer the World: Confessions of an Emotional Journey

Disclaimer: In leiu of my usual snarky and sarcastic writting I'm going to be real with you. I'm going to tell you things that I normally only admitt to those closest to me.

I was 282 pounds... I can't believe I just admitted that to the internet. This morning  I stepped on the scale and all of the usual thoughts ran through my head like: I shouldn't have ate that yesterday, did I gain, did I lose? Am I going to have to be extra careful today? Then the little digital piece of glass that is the cause of so much of my joy and heartbreak said 256.2 and I cried. That's not normal for me.  It was a relief. Maybe because I can't remember the last time that I saw that number on the scale or because I am PMSing. Either way I am happy. I haven't lost a whole lot, but it has been a very long and slow journey.

I have been doing this completely on my own source of self control. It is hard. I'm not saying people who get weight loss surgeries or any other form of diet don't have it hard. My best friend had a weight loss surgery and I have seen her struggle just as much as I have and I know it is hard. Each person has their own journey and their own struggles. For me, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am usually a quitter. At everything. I am not quitting this. I know that the fact that I am the size I am is because of me. I made myself this way. I was lazy,  ate entirely too much junk food and well... there isn't much else to say. This is why I am doing this. If I could make myself this way, I can fix it. I want to fix it. I want to know in the end that I did this. I struggled, blood, sweat (LOTS of sweat) and tears. I have cried  over how grossed out I am by myself, I have cried over being happy, I have cried tears of pure frustration. I want the day I cry because I am so proud of myself that I can't stand it. I know I have come so far from where I was. I am proud that I have done this. I am proud that I have been able to make this change and that I am sticking to it.

I had a very real moment with myself a few months back where I looked at myself and was utterly disgusted and scared at the same time. All of the health problems I am watching my mom go through has  lit a fire under my ass. Her health problems are not because of weight, but she is still too young to deal with these things. I don't want to be in the same boat. I would be the reason for it. I want to live a healthy life. I want to run and play with my kid. I want to teach Monster that you need to take care of your body and your health. This is it. You don't get another one. Take care of it.

My name is Kassie and I am a junk food addict. Another thing I can't believe I am admitting to the internet. Yes, this is a real addiction. No, I am not a doctor and no I didn't go to a doctor to be diagnosed with this. But, I am telling you I am 100% certain that I have a junk food addiction. Right down to the fact that I was and still could be a closet eater. I haven't done it in a very long time, since I realized that was I was doing was self destructive. When I say I was a closet eater.. I mean it. Sneaking candy, cupcakes anything. I still have the potential to be that way. Once I eat that first brownie eating a second or third is nothing. I can shove them in my mouth and walk away without saying a word to anyone. I am utterly disgusted with myself right now for even saying that out loud. These are things that I normally only think. I know that by airing out there for whoever happens to stumble across this in the internet world will help.

Now, I go to the gym as much as I can. I watch what I eat and if I want to eat junk food I tell someone I am going to eat it. I'm not kidding. I can't tell you how many times I have said to Kyle, I am going to eat... (insert something I shouldn't eat here) and he looks at me and says ok. To other people it may seem petty but for me, this is my checks and balances. It keeps me from hiding things. It makes me accountable.

I was laying in bed last night and was surprised by how much smaller my stomach felt.  It's unreal and bizarre to me. I may not look smaller to most people, but I can feel the difference. That's what matters to me.

I have learned a lot about myself through this. One being that I am strong. Emotionally and physically. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am sticking this out, even though people don't think I can or sometimes I feel like I don't get the support and feedback that I need. I am not someone to go looking for compliments or hoping someone will say something to me. I'm not kicking my ass for anyone but me. But, it is nice to hear praise and encouragement. Kyle has been awesome. He makes me go to the gym on days I normally wouldn't, he tells me that he is proud of me when I work out for an  hour or I do something that I didn't think I could. He is an amazing husband and supporter. As well as Heather. I coudn't do this without either of you, so thank you.

And with these tears.. I will go. Time to go get myself in a bathing suit and party for my nephew's 4th birthday.

Thank you again everyone.


Judgy McJudgerson

We all do it. Even if you say you don't... you have.

It might be about the bum on the corner, your neighbor (although I know my neighbor is a basket case; that is a whole different post), someone you work with, or even someone in your family (I have some fruit cakes there too). You make snap judgements or have certain opinions about them and their life. The thing about it is, you never know what they are going through. People don't always tell everyone their whole story. No matter how close you are, there is always something they aren't telling you. There is one person in this world that I tell absolutely everything too. Half of the time he isn't listening to me... but I do tell him everything. He is the one person that I know that won't judge me.

"Oh my God, she got implants? What a whore!" You don't know if she had one terribly deformed boob, or if it was just because she could. Who cares! It isn't your place to say anything.

"Wow, that cashier was such a bitch!" Maybe her fish died, or she just found out her husband was cheating on her. Give her time.. it isn't your place to say something.

"That guy was standing there begging for money. He didn't look homeless to me. He should go get a job." For this there are so many options. I know standing and begging for money is ludicrous, but you don't know his situation. I have given a bum money before. I felt truly bad for him as I'm was drinking my Starbucks in my air conditioned car and he's standing on the corner in his ripped up clothes and drinking a half bottle of water that the car in front of me gave him. So, I rolled down my window and gave him a $5.  Maybe he went and bought booze with it, but that was  his decision.

I'm guilty. I will come right out and tell you right now, I judge people all the time. I know it's wrong... I know I shouldn't. Not because God or the Bible says so, but because as a human being I know how it feels to be judged. It hurts. I get judged because I'm a fat girl. I should have high cholesterol, zero endurance to do aerobics and be super weak. Well, I'm telling you right now, my blood pressure and cholesterol are outstanding, I'm able to do aerobic activity much longer than most skinny girls and I'm super strong. People make judgements off of nothing. It's annoying and unkind.

My point is just to say this. Before you say something about the girl with her cleavage hanging out, the guy with the sign, the ratty haired lady in line at the store, your bad attitude having co worker or the person in your family making terrible decisions; think about it. Maybe you don't know the whole story. You aren't perfect either. Sometimes situations make us do things that are out of character.