I Can Conquer the World: Confessions of an Emotional Journey

Disclaimer: In leiu of my usual snarky and sarcastic writting I'm going to be real with you. I'm going to tell you things that I normally only admitt to those closest to me.

I was 282 pounds... I can't believe I just admitted that to the internet. This morning  I stepped on the scale and all of the usual thoughts ran through my head like: I shouldn't have ate that yesterday, did I gain, did I lose? Am I going to have to be extra careful today? Then the little digital piece of glass that is the cause of so much of my joy and heartbreak said 256.2 and I cried. That's not normal for me.  It was a relief. Maybe because I can't remember the last time that I saw that number on the scale or because I am PMSing. Either way I am happy. I haven't lost a whole lot, but it has been a very long and slow journey.

I have been doing this completely on my own source of self control. It is hard. I'm not saying people who get weight loss surgeries or any other form of diet don't have it hard. My best friend had a weight loss surgery and I have seen her struggle just as much as I have and I know it is hard. Each person has their own journey and their own struggles. For me, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am usually a quitter. At everything. I am not quitting this. I know that the fact that I am the size I am is because of me. I made myself this way. I was lazy,  ate entirely too much junk food and well... there isn't much else to say. This is why I am doing this. If I could make myself this way, I can fix it. I want to fix it. I want to know in the end that I did this. I struggled, blood, sweat (LOTS of sweat) and tears. I have cried  over how grossed out I am by myself, I have cried over being happy, I have cried tears of pure frustration. I want the day I cry because I am so proud of myself that I can't stand it. I know I have come so far from where I was. I am proud that I have done this. I am proud that I have been able to make this change and that I am sticking to it.

I had a very real moment with myself a few months back where I looked at myself and was utterly disgusted and scared at the same time. All of the health problems I am watching my mom go through has  lit a fire under my ass. Her health problems are not because of weight, but she is still too young to deal with these things. I don't want to be in the same boat. I would be the reason for it. I want to live a healthy life. I want to run and play with my kid. I want to teach Monster that you need to take care of your body and your health. This is it. You don't get another one. Take care of it.

My name is Kassie and I am a junk food addict. Another thing I can't believe I am admitting to the internet. Yes, this is a real addiction. No, I am not a doctor and no I didn't go to a doctor to be diagnosed with this. But, I am telling you I am 100% certain that I have a junk food addiction. Right down to the fact that I was and still could be a closet eater. I haven't done it in a very long time, since I realized that was I was doing was self destructive. When I say I was a closet eater.. I mean it. Sneaking candy, cupcakes anything. I still have the potential to be that way. Once I eat that first brownie eating a second or third is nothing. I can shove them in my mouth and walk away without saying a word to anyone. I am utterly disgusted with myself right now for even saying that out loud. These are things that I normally only think. I know that by airing out there for whoever happens to stumble across this in the internet world will help.

Now, I go to the gym as much as I can. I watch what I eat and if I want to eat junk food I tell someone I am going to eat it. I'm not kidding. I can't tell you how many times I have said to Kyle, I am going to eat... (insert something I shouldn't eat here) and he looks at me and says ok. To other people it may seem petty but for me, this is my checks and balances. It keeps me from hiding things. It makes me accountable.

I was laying in bed last night and was surprised by how much smaller my stomach felt.  It's unreal and bizarre to me. I may not look smaller to most people, but I can feel the difference. That's what matters to me.

I have learned a lot about myself through this. One being that I am strong. Emotionally and physically. I am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I am sticking this out, even though people don't think I can or sometimes I feel like I don't get the support and feedback that I need. I am not someone to go looking for compliments or hoping someone will say something to me. I'm not kicking my ass for anyone but me. But, it is nice to hear praise and encouragement. Kyle has been awesome. He makes me go to the gym on days I normally wouldn't, he tells me that he is proud of me when I work out for an  hour or I do something that I didn't think I could. He is an amazing husband and supporter. As well as Heather. I coudn't do this without either of you, so thank you.

And with these tears.. I will go. Time to go get myself in a bathing suit and party for my nephew's 4th birthday.

Thank you again everyone.


Judgy McJudgerson

We all do it. Even if you say you don't... you have.

It might be about the bum on the corner, your neighbor (although I know my neighbor is a basket case; that is a whole different post), someone you work with, or even someone in your family (I have some fruit cakes there too). You make snap judgements or have certain opinions about them and their life. The thing about it is, you never know what they are going through. People don't always tell everyone their whole story. No matter how close you are, there is always something they aren't telling you. There is one person in this world that I tell absolutely everything too. Half of the time he isn't listening to me... but I do tell him everything. He is the one person that I know that won't judge me.

"Oh my God, she got implants? What a whore!" You don't know if she had one terribly deformed boob, or if it was just because she could. Who cares! It isn't your place to say anything.

"Wow, that cashier was such a bitch!" Maybe her fish died, or she just found out her husband was cheating on her. Give her time.. it isn't your place to say something.

"That guy was standing there begging for money. He didn't look homeless to me. He should go get a job." For this there are so many options. I know standing and begging for money is ludicrous, but you don't know his situation. I have given a bum money before. I felt truly bad for him as I'm was drinking my Starbucks in my air conditioned car and he's standing on the corner in his ripped up clothes and drinking a half bottle of water that the car in front of me gave him. So, I rolled down my window and gave him a $5.  Maybe he went and bought booze with it, but that was  his decision.

I'm guilty. I will come right out and tell you right now, I judge people all the time. I know it's wrong... I know I shouldn't. Not because God or the Bible says so, but because as a human being I know how it feels to be judged. It hurts. I get judged because I'm a fat girl. I should have high cholesterol, zero endurance to do aerobics and be super weak. Well, I'm telling you right now, my blood pressure and cholesterol are outstanding, I'm able to do aerobic activity much longer than most skinny girls and I'm super strong. People make judgements off of nothing. It's annoying and unkind.

My point is just to say this. Before you say something about the girl with her cleavage hanging out, the guy with the sign, the ratty haired lady in line at the store, your bad attitude having co worker or the person in your family making terrible decisions; think about it. Maybe you don't know the whole story. You aren't perfect either. Sometimes situations make us do things that are out of character. 


Life is Beautiful

In my 29 years I have taken many different roads to get where I am today. None of which were the ones that most people go down. They were bumpy, unkept and some I'm pretty sure were rural dirt roads. You know the ones that have addresses like county road 9 and the post office won't deliver there? Yes, I suck at following direction, even when someone tells me the road I should take. Even with this said; I wouldn't change a damn thing. I'm proud of the woman I am today. I might be a little very stubborn, a sometimes know it all, loud and blunt; but I do have a good heart when I want to. I can be compassionate when I feel like it's appreciated and if I love you enough God knows I would do anything for you. Even if I don't want to. I feel like those rural dirt roads shaped me more than the smooth freshly paved ones ever could have. I learned a lot about who I wanted to be and they gave me the outline of how to get there. It just took awhile to follow the directions to get here.

Now, what's the point in telling you all of this you ask? Well, because young grass hopper, I had a self realization moment the other day. My sister and I were talking and found out that amongst my MANY different possible career roads that I took, I quit one when I was ridiculously close to being accepted to the program. Or, at least applying. I was 4 classes short of applying to the nursing program. That's it. I talked it over with Kyle and my sister and I am going to finish that road. Crazy, right? I am so used to quitting things... I think it's fear of failure personally, but that's for another self realization blog. I know I can do this.. not to mention the money would be awesome, once I finally do finish. So, I have an appointment with an advisement counselor to talk it over with them and get moving.

I know you are all thinking, "But, Kassie what about becoming a author?!?!?" No need to worry, I still fully plan to get my english degree. I don't want to give up any of the things that I love. I love to write and take pictures. I fully intend to keep up with those things. I am no stranger to taking on more than any one person can conceivably handle.

I think I finally figured it out. I might have directions to get where I need to go. A way to have a job with importance and meaning. Hopefully I can follow the directions a little better. I guess there is always Google Maps, right?

Here is an image to show you how hopeful I am. Everything is beautiful right now.

The sunsent from my backyard. I know you are jealous. :-)


I Suck at Follow Through

So, it's been close to a year since I have been on here. I wish I would have kept up with this better. But, I didn't. I really am going to try this again. It is helpful for me to write.. even if it is just for me.

So, a brief update of what has been going on? Maybe; but first I have to explain something I am feeling...

I am currently sitting in the backyard at our patio table feeling the cool wind on my face and blowing my hair around. I am in heaven. So many thoughts of how my life got to where I am and the true happiness of it all. I am truly happy. It's not something I have experienced a whole lot. I am usually too stressed out, or busy... but in this very moment, even though I haven't touched my homework and I know I should be doing that instead of this, I am happy. Content. Relaxed (another word I don't experience often). I can hear the sprinklers on the golf course, the crickets chirping and Bella rustling around in the bushes. There are faint sounds of the cars going by in the distance.. but for me the solitude that I am feeling right now is all that matters. I could be in a house in the country with no neighbors for miles and would feel the same way I do right now. It's amazing.

Growing up in a house of 5 is noisy. If you have ever met my family you would know that we are all loud. Silence is something that is treasured for me. I don't experience it unless I am sleeping. Being alone is a foreign concept. When I am not at work I have Monster. To feel this... this comfort with just the sounds of the crickets and my neighbor's flag flapping in the wind is blissful. I know a lot of people who take moments like this for granted. Maybe to you I sound like I am going on and on about something that is petty. For me, it's a rare moment. I want to relish in it. I want to bottle it up so I can open that jar on days where there is nothing but chaos and the hope of peeing uninterrupted. I'm not complaining by any means. If I didn't have those crazy days I would be bored. I would create chaos. It's having that chaos that makes you appreciate the rarity of the tranquil. Soaking in a tub while reading a book, laying in bed in pitch black nothingness, enjoying the breeze on the patio... these are the things that remind you why being alive is so amazing. These stolen moments of pure happiness are what makes each day so blessed. I may complain a lot.. some might even say I tend to be more negative than positive. Tonight under the twinkling stars in this beautiful state that I call my home, I see nothing but good in the future.