The Spiraling Pool of Nonsense that is My Brain

There are so many things that go on in my head. I think constantly. Non Stop. It drives me insane at times. I have a problem with putting it verbally in words.. or sometimes in words at all.

So here I go.. it might not make a lot of sense. Or sense at all.

I guess somewhere along the lines of 16 and 27 I never realized I was growing up. In a lot of ways I don't feel any different. Is this a problem? I guess it could be depending on how you look at it. I always think, "I don't have to worry about that right now. I have so much time left." That's why when I sit and think about how old I am and that really I'm not much different than I was, career wise,  when I graduated high school ,that it freaks me out a bit. I feel like so many of my friends from high school have become real adults. And, here I am playing house. I remember when I was in elementary school playing "teenagers" with one of my friends. It reminds me a lot of my life right now, except I am in charge of raising a kid. But, then when I think about it more I'm like "Why am I freaking out? I'm only 27!" I don't know. There are so many things that stress me out, I wonder how relevant any of it is.

I never know what emotions I feel. I often wonder if I'm actually feeling anything at all, or if I think, "This is how I'm supposed to feel. So, maybe I should say that's what I am feeling." Am I the only person that is like this? Is this normal? What is normal? Here I am again. Not knowing how to translate what's in my head through my fingers. Or, to anything.

What's a real wife or woman supposed to be like? I see so many woman that I truly admire and wonder if I could ever be like them. They seem so put together and competent. And, I feel like I am a fish out of water just flopping around doing what I think I am supposed to do. Or, sometimes not even what I think I'm supposed to do, because I am sick of doing that. I am always wondering what other people are thinking about me.We had Kyle's brother and his wife over for dinner last night. And, honest to God, I stressed about making dinner just right. Doing dishes as soon as we were done eating, just so they thought I was a good wife to him. I really worry that much. That can't be normal. Why does it matter to me so much what other people think? Why does it bother me so much that it bothers me?

I have ran across some random blogs that I now read a lot. It really inspires me to go after my dream of writing. I love to write, I love to read, I love words. I don't know if I could ever do it. I get scared of failing and not being able to do something. Maybe that's another reason why I have never finished school for anything, and why I don't pursue anything more than the job I am in. But, I want to write. I feel like if I actually tried I could probably be good at it. What would I write? I have no freakin' clue. I don't have an interesting life or anything that would really draw much attention. But, I could find something I am sure.

I warned you that it probably wouldn't make sense. And, yet I still don't feel like I have said everything that is on my mind. But, I don't know how to say what's in there. I'm still thinking. Still feeling like something is bothering me, but I don't know what it is. I am restless lately. I have this nagging feeling that something is gonna happen, or should happen, or maybe has already happened? I don't know. Just something. Maybe I need a change? Something isn't right, somewhere.

I know one thing that is really bugging me lately. I know entirely too many people that should not procreate that are. I probably know 5 people that are pregnant right now. None of which should be allowed to raise children. I don't get it. How can it be possible that people who shouldn't be having babies, are the only ones that are? It is not looking good for future generations, at all.

I guess I could close this out now. Kyle will be home from work soon.

1 comment:

  1. I have got news for you. We're all like this. We get shoved into our new roles, we get older, but we're still the same person. It seems like the things around us are changing, but we're not. What am I supposed to be? Who am I supposed to be? Are these the things I should be doing? I realized a while ago that this is exactly what life is. It is you, just dealing with all these issues and wondering "when do I grow up to the level I'm 'supposed' to be at this point?" I don't think it ever happens, and the moment that you're really 'grown up' is the moment you're at peace with the fact that you never will be. That you're still just you. You're just that same person being tugged through time stuck in a body that rather shockingly keeps getting older. That's what I think anyway.
    Every once in a while I realize what point I'm at in my life, I see what I am, what I don, what I've done, and it seems surprising to me. I'm just shocked! When did these things shift to my past when they were my future such a short time ago? What do I do now? I guess we all get to that point where we only keep doing new things because, hey what else are we supposed to do!?
    Ok, well I'll stop babbling, but I just wanted you to know I think about these things too.