I always find Saturday afternoons to be my favorite part of my week. There is still plenty of time ahead before the dreaded Monday and I have already accomplished something with my weekend, or at least this weekend I have.
I have realized a lot this past week that I have really been struggling with lately. I'm not sure what route I'm headed with this or how to map it all out for you, so hang in there this might get a little bumpy and all over the place.
With my looming birthday I have realized that getting older is becoming an issue for me. I know I'm still considered young, but I feel like I'm getting too old to be unsure of what I want to do. I know, I'm not even 30 yet, blah blah blah blah. But, still! I seriously feel like I should be somewhere by now. I had a plan when I was younger, but somewhere along the years of rebelling and moving in with my then boyfriend, getting pregnant, moving home, moving out, moving home, then out and so forth I lost sight of my plan. I know it's my fault, so it's time to fix it. Hopefully, by Monday, I will be on a good path in the right direction.
On to my next realization. I hate Kyle's schedule. Hate, hate,hate... did I say I hate it? I spend a lot of time with Monster which is awesome, but not enough adult time. With this pure hatred for his schedule it has made me irritable with Kyle. I know full well that it isn't his fault. Which then makes me feel guilty for being irritated with Kyle. It's a horrible cycle. It isn't like we aren't used to not seeing each other. That has been our relationship from the start. We have pretty much always worked opposite schedules. So, why the new irritation with it? I guess I'm just starting to feel like enough is enough. I want a life. I want to do things with our friends, have date nights, see each other more than 2 nights a week and a couple hours over the weekend. Who knows when this will change. Sooner rather than later I hope.
I feel like I'm whining. But, dang it, this is my blog and I will whine if I want to. In spirit of whining, on to my next subject;
My weight loss struggle.
It feels like my weight has always been something I have fought with. There was a period of time in high school where looking back now I was a good healthy weight. But, to ask me then I thought I was fat. And then right before I got pregnant I was at a decent size, but again I thought I was fat. Fast forward to now, I'm relatively 100lbs heavier than I was then. Maybe even more. I have always struggled with this. It is depressing and hard to deal with. My fault? Absolutely. I don't have a medical condition that causes it. Unless laziness is a medical condition. I was doing really well with weight watchers last year. But, I found some excuse for why I had to stop, like I always do. I'm notorious for excuses. You would think that my repulsion for myself would push me harder, but it doesn't.
I'm going to start it again. I'm going to do this. I have been told it gets harder to lose the weight the older you get. I need to lose it, before it turns into a medical problem. There will be excuses, I know it. But, I need to. To not only be healthy, but because I don't want to look at myself in the mirror anymore. Because, seeing what I looked like on my wedding day grossed me out. Because, I'm INSANELY insecure. Because if I don't now I might always be this way. And I'm not ok with that.
Now with all this being said it might seem like I'm having a pitty party or think my life is so hard. I don't. I know I'm better off than a lot of other people. I know just how lucky I am. I'm just unusually depressed at the moment.
Well call me Betty Downer. If you actually made it this far into this I commend you and wish I had some sort of prize for you. Until next time, Have a great day and Happy Easter to you!